Alternative Titles Also: What in the Hell did I Just Watch? and:
Wow, the writer's must have been REALLY scraping the bottom of the idea barrel for this one.
Strap in, kiddies, Uncle Baily is taking you for a ride. All right, let's unpack this train wreck. As you may recall from the last episode everything went to hell in a handbasket at the last moment of the episode because we have to have a two-parter finale and that was apparently the best the writers could come up with.
Blondie was left out in the cold staring at the closed door of the Mt. Weather bunker, while the Arkers went home (I guess??) and the Grounders pretend the Alliance never happened, nope, and now will strive to co-exist with mass murderers who regard them as talking animals. Legit plan.
We begin THIS episode with a look at our Wandering Idiots led by the previous Evil Overlord who is losing his flock to the very aggressive outside world. They've been rowing in the ocean for who knows how long and there is a mutiny on board!! Rather, one of the flock throws a hissy fit and refuses to paddle anymore.
You know what that means right? When a redshirt complains it's time for RANDOM CREATURE ATTACK/DEATH. The Shrieking Eels end the Redshirt after Evil Overlord tosses him overboard (I give you our first BWUH(1) moment of the final - peace toting Overlord fucking TOSSES a kid overboard to DIE so they can live!?! Then quips 'he wouldn't row' as if that shit is funny??) leaving only John (was that his name? It's so boring. I like the Hyena better) and Evil Overlord the last two survivors. Looks like Evil Overlords descent into crazy times just might kill everybody, after all. Also - wandering sheep plot is a plot that makes little sense.
Octavia is sulking in the Reaper tunnels because, seriously, when these idiots spout I'M GOING TO LEAVE where are you going to go?? This entire WORLD is out to kill you, your best chance of living is with a group and pulling this juvenile WELL I'M JUST GOING TO LEAVE crap is so stupid. But wait, hey! Blondie is in the tunnels! Because...reasons??
Like, here is the first crack at a failing plot that DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER. You lost the battle, you retreat, regroup and try again. Except it's just Blondie that's regrouped - everybody else just sort of trudged home like no big deal, we'll just kick off our shoes and try for battle some other day, I guess?. Like, you have this huge group of people and an enemy has taken your children and you're just like, mmkay try again tomorrow BYE. (Bwuh(2))
Octavia is still an unforgiving bitch towards Blondie and Blondie is having a meltdown (for like, this entire episode). Gone is our resolute leader, gone is the Bad-ass Leader in Training, and we're left with someone with little options and a lot of desperation.
Oh look! It's Bellamy and Jasper and Cleaning Girl all just kind of... hanging out in the Reaper/Body Slide tunnels.
Well, what the hell let's get everybody inside Mt. Weather and just go from there.
Also - Scary-ass Co-leader has soft spot for Lincoln and lets him go do -whatever. Be with his one true homicidal love, I guess.
Mt. Weather coping strategy: got a group of people who want to kill you and stick your head on pole? Throw a party! Internal strife and possible civil war? Throw on them loafers and polo shirts and have some tea! Seriously, wtf people. Wasn't the last episode filled with 'if you oppose the ruler in any way we'll execute you'?? Also - Norman Rockwell group is gathered in one convenient location on the fifth floor.
While a few floors below they continue with the mass slaughter of children.
BWUH (3) moment three: SUDDENLY FOR REASONS Mt. Weather has captured our Main Adults as well. Just. Whut. So much WHAT. Idiot Overlord and Doc Mama are up on the chopping block. Raven is picked out from the lineup to get drilled into while the old Prez has isolated himself from the current party.
Why, hello Clarke and Co. let's play a game of Who is more Evil than Who but they get tired of that pretty quick so they take him hostage instead and head on over to the abandoned command center because Mt. Weather are fucking idiots and leave the command center unguarded while they party.
Land ho! Our cult finalists have found a lighthouse AND the drone from a couple of episodes back miraculously appears. John breaks up with Evil Overlord (like, seriously, what was your first damned clue he was off his fucking rocker?! and you should have done that ages ago) and E.O. takes off into the wilderness after his Destiny or whatever, ditching John.
Blondie makes it to Central Command just in time to see Torturers R' Us on the screen going at it with Raven. Oh and look, they have Doc Mama WHAT WILL YOU DO, BLONDIE!?
Why take the old Prez hostage and contact the Fop to negotiate the release of her people. You'd think reason would prevail here - taking bone marrow doesn't have to be a lethal procedure (even if the Mt. Weather assholes are going about it like they're drilling for fucking oil or something) and when someone is holding your father hostage you could at least TRY to negotiate but no. That would make too much sense for the plot so instead the Fop says NO GO and holy shit-
Blondie actually shoots Old Prez in the chest (in what looked like was near the collarbone so it wasn't even immediately lethal but he died like in six seconds flat) and gives the ultimatum GIVE MY PEOPLE BACK OR I AM FLOODING THE FIFTH FLOOR WITH OUTSIDE IRRADIATED AIR AND WILL KILL EVERYBODY. Okay, good threat. Time to END this already.
BWUH (4) moment four - Fop doesn't warn anybody, doesn't employ soldiers, but sends ONE DUDE to go after Blondie and Bel (two bad-ass warrior types in their own right) WHO CAN SEE HIM COMING and can shoot his ass as soon as he gets the door open. Then the Fop goes after Blondie's mother because of COURSE they figured out they are mother and daughter. Also SCREW NEGOTIATIONS my people can die and I don't care! sigh.
So much WTF. I think at this point the writers have just given up trying to have a cohesive plot and just threw random shit out there.
So now Fop says DRILL INTO HER MOTHER, HA HA, THAT SHOULD BE AWESOME AND....aannd... do what, exactly?? There is no upside to this, no intelligence, it's a suicide move.
Meanwhile Jasper wants to be an assassin (and fails at it to nobody's surprise) while Cleaning Girl and Octavia chill - until (GAWD, SERIOUSLY - a couple of kids trying to find a makeout spot find the tiny ball of homicidal rage that is Octavia and run screaming into the night - alerting the guards. Octavia goes running after them to... do what, KILL THEM?? Like, REALLY?? She's going to slaughter kids her own age or younger?? Well, it works out so she kills the guards instead, even though there are too many and she and Cleaning Girl get caught.
Dramatic tension buildup is dramatic as Blondie and Bel pull the lever and become mass murderers together. How romantic. You have to wonder who the hell built a function in a fallout shelter that allows supposedly irradiated air to be drawn IN - seems a might self-defeating (?) to have that option included.
Then all at once, we have all these... things going on. B & B pull the mass-killing trigger. Jasper is brought into the torture chamber (via a double agent guard who pretended to lock him up) Doc Mama is being drilled into, then Jasper pulls a knife while the guards...do nothing.
Then everybody who ISN'T an outsider dies while the Fop strategically runs away.
Just... oh GOD, what the hell?? This is such a mess I don't even know where to begin.
Jasper loses Cleaning Girl who says, 'nobody is innocent' or something stupid crap aaaand everybody in Mt. Weather dies. Sweet, now the Arkers have a new home to live in.
Obligatory WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOOOOO!?? from Jasper and it looks like Clarke is losing another friend over murder.
The Fop is outside running through a forest. Does he have a plan? Does he have survival skills? Will he survive the next five minutes? All highly doubtful. A snap of a twig in the forest! What's that? Something big and nasty and ready to eat him? No such luck. It's just Man Candy, who comes screaming out of the fog like a crazy person only to be felled by Mt. Weather technology. Because, you know, screw stealth and throwing knives and arrows.
In a move I guess that was supposed to be ironic or something the Fop pulls out the drug he used on Lincoln and goes, look what I haaaave! So McAbs chops his hand off and sticks him with his own drug. and dies. sigh. Irony.
Well, we're not done yet.
Everybody just kind of. Goes home. To the Ark. Where everybody else has just been chilling while all this has gone down. Like, did NO ONE ask 'where did our entire leadership disappear to?' or notice that half their population is missing?? Just. I can't. I can't even find the words for how much fail this plot has. Holy crap.
Blondie pulls an Octavia move and goes I CANNOT LIVE WITH WHAT I'VE DONE, I'M LEAVING. Where is she going to go? What is she going to do? how is she going to survive? fuck if I know, by this point I've given myself a migraine from rolling my eyes so hard.
Bel is awesome, Blondie leaves, how will we wrap up the season?
John has found a sweet, sweet man pad inside the lighthouse and helps himself to crackers and whiskey while watching home movies of the previous owner who ominously mentions something about a 'she' before he blows his brains out.
Evil Overlord is following the flying drone in a similar fashion of Alice following the white rabbit and it finally comes to...
a mansion. in perfect condition, seeing how the falling bombs didn't touch it I guess and God knows who is maintaining it. The ominous She appears and says WELCOME, NOTHING STRANGE GOING ON HERE, I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, CHOSEN ONE!!
Uh huh, it's a setup for a possible season three of The 100 as the bomb(?) Evil Overlord rode his way down on ended up here (?!) and the mansion lady decides he's going to Do Stuff for her. See ya next season folks.