Or - that one episode that nearly gave me an rage aneurysm because they were so close to having a well-written story before they pulled the biggest WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK plot twist in recent tv history.
Ahhem. Well, here we are - the second before last episode of the season. The stakes are high, we've spent the entire season getting to this Mt. Weather show-down, the Alliance is a go and let's begin with Bellamy finally reaching the caged Grounders. His new girl buddy is like, awesome let's get ready for war.
This is your Mt. Weather Prez speaking. Hello. I am an asshole. Also Fop Prez pulls the 'if you are harboring teenagers you are an enemy and we will kill you' speech. Because there are so many of the Mt. Weather people to begin with you can just slaughter them willy nilly. I like how ALL OF THIS could have been avoided if the original Prez just stayed in power and everybody just, oh I don't know, HAD A NORMAL CONVERSATION ABOUT THEIR NEEDS.
Ahhh, good old Fop Prez pulling out propaganda - the meat and potatoes of war. Bla bla bla, 'rightful place above ground' bla bla bla 'all we need to do is slaughter some children!'
But where ARE Jasper and Cleaning Girl? Hiding behind the wall of Adorable Couple while the guards harass them into compliance. Rather, Adorable Couple deny, deny, deny until the lack of the use of coasters gives away the game. (Srsly??) YOU HAVE UNTIL THE COUNT OF THREE UNTIL WE SHOOT YOU!! Jasper is a good kid though, so he bursts out of the wall and into custody.
Meanwhile, the army is coming, the army is coming!
Woooooo, the Alliance has finally stopped fighting each other and we can get on with the war effort. Queenie and Blondie get on with explaining how The Plan is going down and holy crap, it's actually a well devised plan. They're going to station groups at strategic points, Raven Co. are going to take down the power, allowing the lock on the door to disengage and then, yay, bloodshed.
Here's the hilarious difference between Blondie and Queenie:
Blondie: Ok, DON'T KILL EVERYONE YOU COME ACROSS. There are children and innocents, mmmkay? Just kill the soldiers and get our people back! (uh, don't take out the Fop Prez??? Bwuh?)
Queenie: KILL KILL KILL DIE DIE DIE!!!!
Well, we see our first cracks in what would have been an epic plot otherwise. Maybe the writers didn't realize there is an entire THING called The Art of War where I'm pretty darned certain you DON'T leave the enemy head alive and kickin' while you run out the back door. It just seems like if you're going to storm the castle maybe you shouldn't leave the people alive who WANT TO STICK YOUR HEAD ON A POLE. Just a thought.
The guards of Mt. Weather have a terrible task of rounding up ferocious... children. LOOK AT THAT GIRL, SHE MIGHT SOB ON YOUR SHOULDER!! Terrifying. No worries, Bel has still got his spy mojo going on and he saves everybody. Again. Adam Worth says I'll meet you guys where the Grounders are being kept, while Jasper and Bel team up. Save the 44!
Octavia and Scary-ass Co-leader are storming the Reaper (Reaver??? Dammit) caves to take the back entrance while Raven and Co. (Snarky guy she had a single fling with) take on the turbines that power the complex while Snarky guy snarks insightful nastiness to Raven ('I like you better before I slept with you' 'Me too' ohhhh will they, won't they)
So of COURSE something has to go wrong and the last bomb is lost so they can't disengage the lock and OH NOOO WHAT WILL THEY DO. and why was there random Mt. Weather dude, and why didn't Team Raven have more than two people? I mean, pretty integral part of the plan WHY WOULDN'T YOU SEND WARRIORS WITH THEM??
Meanwhile, Fop Prez and Old Prez have a little chat. 'Here I brought you some cocoa and oh, we're being stormed by homicidal maniacs. Ohhh, snap - Old Prez lays down the smack talk at what a colossal failure his son his and he's killed them all after being in office for one week. But Daddy Prez doesn't want everybody to die (not knowing Clarke specifically said leave innocents alone) so he throws his lot in with the evil Fop failure. Hmmm, I wonder what Daddy Prez is up to?
Queenie and Blondie are
sitting in a tree waiting for Raven and Co. to blow up the turbines so they can get the front door open. This has to be one of the most hilarious things in this entire episode. Queenie turns to Blondie and is all like, 'Sooo... what are you doing after we slaughter our enemies? Wanna... come to my place?' *SNORTLAUGH* Seems like an appropriate time to ask for a date.
Oh, here we go - Raven and Snarky finally get everything to go boom and YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO GET THE DOOR OPEN!!
Mt. Weather opens fire, it's a fight to beat the clock and at the last moment McAbs pulls a Robin Hood moment and sends a flaming arrow into bomb-rigged door. IT'S OPEN!! GO GO GO!! TIME FOR GLORIOUS BATTLE!!!
But first we need some filler.
Bel almost has everybody safe but the last 12 are taken into level five where they will likely be killed!!
Octavia finally belongs! One of us! One of us! Scary-ass has accepted Octavia's tiny fury as worthy of the Grounders. Huzzah.
All right, folks, are you ready!?! ARE YOU READY!?! The thing we've been waiting all season for, the final attack, FINALLY we're going to get inside Mt. Weather and make those teen-murderers pay!! OPEN THE DOOOOOO- no?
Queenie calls out to halt everything and there is a moment of bwuuuuh!??! Wait, no. Come on, this can't mean...
In tow with Queenie is that captain of the Mt. Weather security team. Aw, shit - what does that...? The doors open and out comes.... the bedraggled and messed up Grounder lab rats but no 44. FUCK.
Yup, you guessed it, the old cliche of at the very last moment I WILL BETRAY YOU BECAUSE PLOT! and we have one more episode to fill out and we have shitty writers who couldn't think of a better idea then SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL!!
Siiiiighh. Okay. Queenie rambles off some bullshit like, well we got OUR people back that's all we care about - ignoring things liiiiike: virtual genocide over decades of her people at the hands of Mt. Weather who I'm sure will be very cordial from now on, the fact that nearly all the hazardous things in their world WERE CREATED BY MT. WEATHER aaaaand ignoring the fact that as soon as they get what they want Mt. Weather will very likely continue to annihilate all who oppose them including those they called 'savages' - you guessed it, the Grounders. Because history is littered with powerful groups who DON'T conquer and take over and hold territories and... oh for fuck's sake this is just stupid.
BUT HEY, IT TOTES MAKES SENSE TO WALK AWAY FROM THE ONE GROUP WHO COULD HELP THEM WITH THEIR ENEMY AND HAS CONSISTENTLY HELPED YOU THIS ENTIRE TIME but noooo LET'S MAKE ENEMIES OUT OF THEM TOO, GOOD IDEA!!!
Are the writers brain dead at this point? THIS MAKES NO SENSE. THERE IS NO LOGIC IN THIS PLOT REVERSAL, THIS IS SHODDY WRITING.
God, let's just wrap this crap-fest up.
Octavia's group hears the retreat and she's left with a choice: her brother or her new found homicidal maniac buddies, who will she choose? Her brother. Aww. But as the Arc asks her to come back she goes 'I BELONG NOWHEEERREEEE' in an overly dramatic fashion. Cool, Octavia. Why don't you run off into the wilderness and become one with the mutant two headed deer, I'm sure they have an opening.
Bel returns to an empty room where the Grounders used to be and Cleaning Girl loses her daddy, the 44 are still stuck inside Mt. Weather who is STILL after their bone marrow.
Raven and Snarky are captured.
Old Prez and New Prez congratulate each other on being manipulative pieces of shit and Fop Prez allows daddy to come out of his cage.
The Arc folks and Blondie are left dumbstruck by the front gates going, 'uhhhhh WTF?'
One by one they all head back to the Arc (aaand Mt. Weather are dumbfucks too, why didn't they take this opportunity to destroy the Arc?? GOD THIS SHIT IS SO DUMB) and finally it's just Clarke left with her seething rage and resentment.
Me too, Clarke, me too.