I am naming this episode, here and now, the most ludicrous of all the episodes yet aired. Therefore, this recap is going to have a slightly sarcastic edge to it because it has officially broken the barrier of suspended disbelief for the sake of enjoying an entertaining television show.
Okay, deep breath, let's get this over with and pray the next episode isn't as horrendous. The Grounders and the Skypeople (Teens? Arc-ers? Whatever you want to call them) have more or less sealed a very uncomfortable truce and it's time to start the offence against Mt. Weather who is plotting on using the 48 as their personal cleansing system through admissible and hilariously wrong 'science'. They're EVIL, okay? Just go with it.
Bel and McAbs are running through the forest on their way to infiltrate Mt. Weather, presumably using Lincoln's connection with his man-flesh eatin' buddies of old, the Reavers. Apparently they're so whacked out on drugs they won't even question where the hell he's been this entire time. Remember this little tidbit for later please.
I...don't understand the beginning of this episode. Lickety Abs slaughters a deer, smears the blood on his face and gets his Reaver/Grounder mojo going (I guess?) while Bel decides it's time for Manly Talk and says how good Lincoln's been for Octavia and can I please rip my fucking hair out because OH MY FUCKING GOD WHATTHEEVERLOVINGHELL (^(*)^&$W#$@#@J WETOITU()#$TH()IOWGQHWEGHIOHIOGWU()U*()@#()%@(#%
Ok. Keyboard rage is done.
Please see my thoughts on Lincoln's and Octavia's 'relationship' here while I try to stave off a rage stroke. Then we get a weird ass story from Lincoln that makes NO CONTEXTUAL SENSE about him killing a sky person because his father made him and bla bla bla I stopped paying attention.
Knock, knock - your friendly Grounder neighbors are here with all the charm of a rabid badger intent on eating your leg. Apparently they're going to...train? Even though the first thing they do is start a fight with the Hyena, blaming HIM now because he didn't throw himself on Finn's gun? So the Hyena throws a punch, gets punished for it and the Evil Overlord just shakes his head and goes, 'sooo, what happens after (and if) we win? They go back to killing us?' Good point.
Meanwhile Blondie is trying to hatch plans to take Mt. Weather but it isn't going so well because well... Grounders are dicks. Straight up, yo. How the hell did they even survive as a society when they are so goddamned ANGRY ALL THE TIME and teetering on the brink of hysterical homicidal rage and knee-jerk reactions of DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!!?
Half the group ain't even listening because they're pissed about Blondie killing off a bunch of Grounders (who were intent, if you recall, on complete genocide of teenaged children who have done them no harm and decided to harpoon one because REASONS) so the talk isn't so much as 'hey, how can we get inside and lower their defenses' so much as DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE YOU BITCH!!!!
Nobody's buying the idea of Bel and Abs lowering the defenses from the inside and seem very fond of the idea of throwing themselves fruitlessly against a brick wall because RARR DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!! and nobody is getting anywhere. What's the logical thing to do? Why, Blondie will take a walk. Alone. In the woods. After McSociopath threatened to personally disembowel her. Seems legit.
But what's that! A snap of a twig and McSociopath appears! With rage and a bow and arrow! To no one's shocking surprise he tries to kill Blondie who dashes off into the woods. After a vigorous and brisk jog and some dodging of arrows Blondie stumbles upon her Chief of Guard and OH DEAR LORD NO, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER ARM and she's dead.
This is the stuff horrible B horror movies are made of.
Back at 'training' things are...well.. weird. And stupid. Yes, stupid. *sigh* I wouldn't call it training so much as beating the snot out of eachother to see who will be standing at the end of the day. Which doesn't teach anybody anything. Why are the Arc-ers wasting ammo? Do they have a bullet maker on board? Do they have a miraculous way of resupplying bullets they are going to desperately need in a time of war? Oh, I know! Let's offer to give the Grounders a loaded weapon with no training and see what happens!!
Except... not, because the scary-ass lady commander rips her warriors a new one and tells Idiot Overlord they are just FINE, thank you, depending on primitive stones and knives against advanced technology because didn't you know? You bring a knife to a gun fight, silly!
Here Octavia gets to get her Grounder-knowledge on and explain.... oh dear GOD, what? That the Grounders have a superstition that if one of them picks up a gun it will... destroy their civilization or some bullshit. What....just... whaaaaaatt??? Yaaay for mind mindbogglingly stupid superstitions that are almost as good as 'bathing will invite evil spirits in so don't ever get near a bar of soap'.
Let's check in on Blondie. Queenie (somehow) catches up just in time to hock a knife at McSociopath. Blondie blames him for ripping off her Chief of Staff's arm but he says that wasn't him. SO WHO WAS IT. Cue the roar that shakes the forest. WHAT STALKS THEM IN THE DEEP DARK FOREST? Better run, kiddies. Queenie cuts the dudes tendons and allows him to be sacrificed.
So instead of running to safety the little group runs to... whatever is following them feeding grounds. Because REASONS of DRAMA AND HIGH TENSION.
It's a gorilla. A mutant gorilla? Even though I thought gorilla's not only do NOT exist in North America but were vegetarians but what the hell, we're not dealing with ANY realistic expectations in this episode soooo... mutant gorilla. Okay.
Whoops. There's one red shirt down - now it's just Blondie and Queenie.
Blondie shoots it with her tiny, tiny handgun and somehow kills it (even though it's probably five hundred pounds and in reality being shot by a tiny handgun would only make it itchy and enraged but again, ENTERTAINMENT) but whoops, no, it's playing dead. Let's see what the Evil Overlord is up to.
He's having a heart to heart with the Hyena, who is acting as a guide to take him to his son's grave (remember whatshisface from season one who got stabbed by a 12 year old girl?). Seems like a good time to play the blame game and let's just say everbody sucks in some way in this show.
'Training' stops at night and Octavia just wants to join the cool kids. So badly, it seems, that she's willing pick a fight with the Grounders to 'prove herself'. Yes. This tiny angry girl who is 90 pounds wet is going to take on a trained Grounder warrior. Points for trying but she gets the shit kicked out of her. Her willingness impresses Grounder Co-Leader, I guess, and she says she will train Octavia in the ways of the Warrior.
Now we find out what Evil Overlord is up to. Remember his Crazy Times from a couple of episodes back, with his dead son talking to him and all? Well, apparently it's been leading up to him becoming a crazy cult leader.
He DEFINITELY has the crazy eyes going on and sucks in the Hyena with his hypnotic 'let's abandon everyone and march into the extremely hostile new world because if it isn't our time to die, then we're not going to die HA HA HA' and Hyena actually goes with it. They are SO going to die.
Blondie and Queenie have squishy moments. They seriously just need to make out already.
Blondie tricks the wee beasty and gets a glorious idea which is basically the same idea she had at the beginning - let Bel commit Intrigue on the Mt. Weather inside, to let the Alliance take them from the outside.
That brings us to Bel and McAbs. Remember the whole 'Reavers won't remember me' thing from the beginning? Well for reasons of DRAMA Lincoln goes all smouldery and is all I REMEMBER EVERYTHING. Bel is now mostly naked and awaiting judgement (and am I the only one who finds it HILARIOUS that Grounders apparently wear boxers?) but OH NO - to keep up the act and get on the inside Lincoln must allow himself to fall down the rabbit hole of Reaver Craziness again. Poor Lincoln, just when he thought he kicked the habit.
and away goes Bellamy for...er, harvesting. That should make some interesting fanfiction. and THAT ladies and gentleman, was possibly the worst episode to date.