The 100 Season Two Episode Seven: Long Into The Abyss
We start this episode with Girl in a Flower Field. What is Flower Girl doing? She has hospital clothes on, she's romping like a happy child and - whoops, she's too happy. You know what that means....
Time to die. Those pesky Union of Psychotic Scientists are up to no good as they experiment on their own people with the blood of the 48. Turns out the 48's magical anti-radiation blood properties aren't entirely a cure all; it gives them some ability to protect against radiation BUT only for a few minutes. I also like how they just continue talking while the girl is screaming in the background for help. Yup, those are the people I want in charge.
What they NEED is something like....hmmm, THE SOURCE OF BLOOD - BONE MARROW!!! But gosh, that would mean killing the 48. Weeelll, if it's for science then FOR SCIENCE AND THE GREATER GOOD. Oh man, you KNOW when people start slinging around 'FOR THE GREATER GOOD' they're trying to justify some nasty shit.
Meanwhile the Arc Community is dealing with the Leave or DIEEEEE ultimatum given by the Grounder Queen. It's a mixed reaction; Evil Overlord says let's just get out of here and wander in a desert, Doc Mama (who IS currently in charge) says nah, let's see if we can find another solution and did you forget we still have 48 kids stuck at Mt Weather? Whoa, power struggle.
And since when were there so many damn people? I thought there were like, a couple thousand left Up in Space and the majority of those died flinging themselves into Earth's atmosphere? Well, the Arc Community seems to be a thriving populace anyway.
Blondie no likey the Exodus plan. Not surprising. But she doesn't have a lot of time to complain because Bellamy finds her and is all, 'COME AND SEE WHAT I FOUND'.
Finn has the Mopes and is all, THIS IS MY FAULT, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE MASS MURDERED A VILLAGE!! Wow, you think?
McAbsHotCakes greets Blondie with spittle, foam and his best impression of chained Zombie Horde. Can he be saved!?
The 48 are currently going over their options, having realized they are about to be served as the main course for the Norman Rockwell Groupies. They know Blondie ain't here, but they don't know if she made it out, if she's alive and if she's even coming for them. They need to make their own escape plans. Jasper borrows a line from Firefly with, 'let's be criminals' (kinda like how Jayne said, 'shiny, let's be bad guys' or maybe I'm just reaching with that one)
Bad Lincoln!! Don't eat Blondie's brains and FOR GOD'S SAKE can NO ONE properly secure a prisoner in this series?!? Let's try that again, shall we? Octavia is a having a hard time with her kidnapper/lover's descent into cannibalism (understandable) so she goes outside for a breather. Her Grounder buddy greets her with an attempted kidnapping but is all, lol - joking, it's me! The Grounder Healer here to help Lincoln, can I come in?
Lincoln is pretty bad off; he's foaming, he's seizing, his head is about to start spinning on his shoulders so his Grounder Healer buddy says, in his own language, SEE YA SUCKER and is about to off Lincoln when Blondie recognizes the phrase from her time with Perpetually Pissed Off and goes WHOA NO YOU DON'T!!
'It is the only way! Death will release him!' or something but Blondie has Modern Medicine and CPR.
Then Finn shows up, then the Grounder understandably tries to kill him. Then Blondie zaps him into submission then Lincoln's heart stops but is brought back miraculously without breaking his rib cage, as I understand starting the heart through the chest sometimes does, which is why modern Emergency Response teams don't really bother with that anymore.
'WITCHCRAFT!!' cries the Grounder Healer. HOW DID SHE DO THAT!?
But wait, did most of the Reavers (Reaper's REAVER'S?!? Goddammnit, I can't understand which one it is) all die like this? Yes, Healer Grounder answers. CHA-CHING - IDEA!!! Says Blondie. I KNOW HOW TO STOP THE GROUNDERS FROM KILLING US!!
She dashes off to save the day but Finn has the GUILTS, OH NO! Ugh, Blondie forgives him because it's totally understandable to mass murder people and go, WHOOPS MY BAD. DIDN'T MEAN TO PULL THAT TRIGGER TWENTY TIMES.
Meanwhile the 48 are doing their own Great Escape routine which involves picking the office door of the President of the Norman Rockwell Groupie club. Redshirt Girl keeps watch at the door while the Boys hack the computer. They find surveillance on the crashed ARC and rejoice! The Adults are (mostly) alive!
However, at this moment the Arc is in full evac mode when Blondie shows up with the Solution. Good thing, because the Grounders show up a bit early.
Doc Mama and Evil Overlord are having a showdown. Evil Overlord is all YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL LET'S JUST LEAVE ALREADY. and Doc Mama is all No. He tries to pull power but ain't nobody listening. TO THE BRIG WITH THEE. 'WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIEEEEE' are his last remarks.
It's all down to Blondie now, so no pressure. She's going to use the Reaper Card to play with the Grounder Queen so Lincoln better be up and non-foaming by the time she and the Queen get to the old drop ship where he's being kept.
Blondie meets the Grounder Queen and....wait. WAIT. She's in full Queenie Mode, she's got the outfit, she's got the dagger, she's got.... a $2.99 Michaels craft store Steampunk GEAR STUCK TO HER FUCKING FOREHEAD, CAN I DIE LAUGHING NOW!?!?!
I need a moment here to compose myself. This series is hilarious. WHEW. Ok. Ok.
Let's take a moment to return to the Killing Field o' Flowers from the beginning of the episode. Flower Girl has been carted off and autopsied so it's clear of bodies at the moment but let's have a Father and Son moment with the Dandy and the President of the Norman Rockwell Club. For the first time in fifty years the Prez feels the wind and picks a flower and is this enough to persuade him into mass murdering children so the Norman Rockwell Groupies can have their OWN flower picking happiness?
Oh, tempting, tempting BUT NO!! His resolution sticks and he refuses to slaughter the 48 like pigs for his own happiness. Whatta guy. I wonder how long that will last.
What about Lickety Abs? WILL HE SURVIVE? Blondie is on the move with the Queen of Michaels Craftstore and Doc Mama has arrived with her experience in medicine BUT he inconveniently dies. Again. She tries some more pounding of the chest but it ain't working this time. Thus the Queen arrives and is all, he looks kind of.... dead. WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS!?!
It's a Mexican Standoff and things are looking tense - Doc Mama has grabbed the Stick o' Lightning when IDEA!!! She jolts the dead Lincoln's body into life. Yayyyy.
It's tears and awe for everyone and McAbs wakes up, looks around and is all, '
Aunty Em Octavia, is that you? I had the strangest dream I was eating people...'
Back with the 48, they are still no closer to escaping but... wait! Where's Redshirt Girl?? She's been missing since this morning! Why she's a lab experiment of course! Our League of Psychotic Scientists have decided to go behind the President's back and go ahead with the bone marrow removal and the fuckers don't even bother to put her out before drilling into her. Nice.
Blondie and Grounder Queenie come to an agreement (finally) that Mr. Washboard Abs is too hot to die (or was that what the writers agreed on?) and it's time to unite and kick some Mt. Weather ass, seeing how they are pretty much the cause of everyone's misery.
This really is a show of fanservice. You notice that all the Grounder chick warriors are dainty, non-muscled, extremely attractive and have a suspicious lack of scars or tattoos even though they are hardened warriors trained to kill from birth? Strange, that not once in all those life-or-death moments of gnawing on a bears jugular they didn't ONCE get scratched...
Well, anyway - you didn't think that this alliance would go off easily did you? Grounder Queenie has another ultimatum. WE WILL ALLIANCE WITH YOU AS LONG AS YOU GIVE US THE ONE CALLED FINN.
Is that it!? DO IT, DOOOO IT, GIVE THEM THE WHINY LITTLE MASS MURDERER PLEAASEEE!!!