Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Five of the Most Terrifying anime/manga Characters in Recent Pop Culture

Number Five: Black Lagoon, Hansel and Gretel

(trigger warnings, child abuse, nasty stuff ahead)

This is a little hard to write about and was even harder to watch but these characters from Black Lagoon absolutely walk the line of ‘uncomfortable villians’.

Black Lagoon is something I wrote about almost a year ago now and remains a fantastic, gritty, realistic anime that is a little like Cowboy Bebop but with our jack-of-all-trades characters walking on the definite line of crime, trafficking, hacking, and more-or-less shady work though they will take legit jobs if offered. It’s just where they live is a modern day pirate port, so there aren’t many legal jobs available.

Walking that line of corruption, gangs and drug lords inevitably brings them into contact with all sorts of dangerous characters and situations.

Hansel and Gretel are one of those dangerous characters/situations.

There isn’t much of a real reason why they appeared in Roanapur, only that these child twins dressed in Gothic Lolita clothing suddenly starting laying waste to all in their path. And they did it well – these two pint sized terrors are off their freaking gourds, without any fear of death.

How good are they? Good enough to give the Triad leader Chang a run for his money.

Through battles and blood and creepy terror we finally learn the reason behind their rampage; they were orphans who were sold into prostitution more or less, forced into making pornographic violent films that eventually led to not only the deterioration of their minds but gave birth to a terrible blood lust that bit their handlers on the ass. Hopefully they are all very, very dead. But even after killing their tormentors it seemed they weren’t able to stop.

Hansel meets ‘his’ end via Balalaika’s hit squad, bleeding out onto the pavement, crying for something that doesn’t exist.

Gretel meets ‘her’ end after leaving the Black Lagoon’s boat, being shot close range by an undercover agent of Balalaika.

Hansel and Gretel are truly one of the most uncomfortable villains I’ve ever run across. They are deranged, ruthless, sadistic CHILDREN who are a product of their environment. You can’t blame them for being monsters, but at the same time you can’t help but feel unsettled and squicked out by them.

I don’t know whether or not having them dead is a good thing or not. Would they have been redeemable? Rock has a genuine moment with Gretel before ‘she’ dies, showing there is something still within her that might have been good.

So props to the creator of Black Lagoon for creating two antagonists who simultaneously make your skin crawl with revulsion while feeling intense pity.

Monday, December 29, 2014

The 100 Season Two Episode Four: Many Happy Returns

In review: The world has ended and the fate of humanity is (mostly) in the hands of teenagers. God help us.

So this last episode was something of a mess; plots zigging and zagging every whichaway and so we start off THIS episode with…

The feeling I’ve somehow mistakenly put on Tank Girl instead of The 100. It’s a … vast post-apocalyptic desert. In America. On the East Coast. Defying geology, atmosphere and logic, somehow. We’ll just roll with that.

Rando scavenger in the desert doing his scavenger thing when, what do we see!? What is this? Could it be?

ORIGINAL EVIL OVERLORD IS ALIIIIIVE.

I guess in the episode I missed he decided to hurl himself through earth’s atmosphere and somehow didn’t die.

We’ll go with that. He doggedly clings to his one chess piece that apparently made the trip with him because SYMBOLISM. Rando Scavenger REALLY WANTS THAT CHESS PIECE but E. Overlord clings to it like a lifeline. It’s HIS chess piece, dammit.

Blondie is being towed still through forest and gale, and wow – the Mount Weather Team Capture is surprisingly competent; they find Blondie and Perpetually Pissed in a heartbeat. Hmmm.

And Team Find Blondie is still looking for Blondie. And Finn is still more than a little unhinged as they tromp through forest as well. They don’t find Blondie but they DO find a neat trail of dead bodies lining the path.

What’s with the trail o’ bodies?

It’s what’s left behind of one of the Arc’s that DIDN’T make it, I guess – though a LITTLE realism would have been nice. In that advent of an airline(?) disaster I don’t think that the bodies would be virtually unmaimed and lined up so neatly along the pathway. That’s just…weird because I was thinking these people were marching somewhere and dropped along the way, NOT ‘oh, airline disaster, those most be people from the Arc!’ confusing, see?

Team Find Blondie is about to move out when hark! We hear a faint voice. Someone is alive!

They run to find… some random girl clinging to the side of one vast cliff face.

There is not enough WTF in the world for this scenario.

HOW DID SHE GET THERE!?!

There is no rope, it’s a SHEER CLIFFSIDE, and she is hanging onto the only scraggly tree on the entire cliff wall that is HUNDREDS of feet away from solid ground. She did this without GEAR? WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Bel swings into full SAVE THE PEOPLE mode and unsurprisingly Finn goes, ‘dawg, we don’t have TIME for this’

But as it turns out the Redshirt in the group miraculously knows Cliffhanger Girl and leaps to the rescue, to Finn’s dismay.

I also find it interesting that Finn is fully willing to toss someone to their death in order to find Blondie and Co. whom at this point they don’t even know if they are alive at all. I’m also not liking the complete 180 turn in his character, who was portrayed to us as super compassionate, peace-loving, thou-shall-not-kill. There is no reason for this turnabout.

The Arc Community has their electric fence up, Raven is alive but unable to use her leg and our Original Evil Overlord is offered…. a root/bug soup.

Aw, E. Overlord has been adopted by the Rando Scavenger kid, wait no – the parents disapprove of their child’s pet choices and drag his injured ass off the cot and tell him to get lost.

Blondie is still hostaged and Perpetually is backseat kidnapping; she’s nonstop bitching about how LOUD Blondie is, she SMELLS, she has no wood craft ect. ect. We’ll get back to them in a moment.

Team Find Blondie apparently missed some crucial rope tying lessons because that rope that’s holding the Redshirt? Is starting to come apart. I think I can guess what’s going to happen.

Ho, yup – there goes our Redshirt while Cliff Girl still clings to her tree with the whole, ‘I’m slipping, help me!!’ schtick, when seriously, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET UP THERE?!?

Team Find Blondie mashes together a makeshift ‘rope’ out of wreckage from the Arc and tries the whole rescue thing again, this time with Bellamy on the line so you KNOW they’ll make it this time around. But doing a simple rescue would be BORING so what happens?

The ‘rope’ comes undone AGAIN and the Hyena manages to grab onto the broken end while Finn and… Redshirt # 2 heave from behind.

Then Grounders attack.

Then the Horn sounds, meaning that acid rain thing from season one is coming back.

Except not, because suddenly Octavia pops up and is like, I HAVE RETUUURNED.

And, reunion.

Is it me or is the plot a little…flimsy?

Meanwhile Blondie and Perpetually are still being chased, despite their best efforts. Perpetually Pissed has now had enough of dragging around Blondie because she figures it’s all her fault and SMASH IT WITH A ROCK!!

Brilliant. Except Blonde figures out someone has a tracker inside them (yup, Perpetually does) and if Perpetually would just hold still a moment, Blondie will remove –

NOPE, NO NEED, I’LL JUST RIP IT OUT WITH MY FUCKING TEETH.

Hardcore man. Except for, you know, MASSIVE bacterial infections that may lead to possible death because you’ve slapped mud on yourself, have been rolling around in a forest and you just fucking bit out a chunk of your arm without cleaning it, or binding it, OR ANYTHING.

Soo, yay – no more Mount Weather tag-team?

Blondie has decided she’s had enough and is sneaky with her, ‘oh, let me bind your wound- HA I DRUG YOU WITH A DART!! YOU’RE MY PRISONER NOW, BITCH!!’

I like how the writers completely ignore smashing peoples heads with rocks uuuusually leads to death, serious brain injury and at the very least concussion (which leads to incapacitating behavior. But we’re just going to ignore that because it’s too realistic.)

Team Find Blondie splits up and is now Team Siblings while Finn hands over a hilarious simplistic map and says, GO HERE. I’d love to see a real life survival group try and use that map to navigate the landscape. Blondie drags Perpetually (facepalm FACEPALM, WHEN THE HELL DID SHE CONSTRUCT A STRETCHER WHEN SHE CAN’T EVEN MASK HER PRESENCE IN THE WOODS?!) but apparently NOBODY knows how to tie a goddamned knot properly because Perpetually leaps up out of her drug-induced coma with nary a side-effect, slips off the rope on her hands without a problem and FIGHT!!

BLONDIE VS PERPETUALLY

BLONDIE WINS!! And Perpetually Pissed is all ‘I acknowledge you as a fine warrior, you may drag me around again’

They’ve come back to the original base camp for the Teens, but as you may recall it was a little blown up last season so there’s nothing left. Doctor Mama’s note has been washed away, but no worries because the Arc Town has conveniently sent up a hot air balloon to let eeeeeveryone know EXACTLY where they are.

So that’s where Blondie will drag her next.

The Security Chief over at Arc Town is the only person with a goddamned working brain because she shoots down the balloon and says “ARE YOU STUPID!!?” (yes) then mans the stations with orders to shoot anybody who approaches Arc Town.

Meanwhile the Scavenger people changed their minds about keeping their child’s pet and the Evil Overlord makes himself a new mutated friend. For about five minutes.

Scavenger Mama is all, here – have some bug soup oh, and, I TOTES SOLD YOU OUT FOR A HORSE, HAHA!

It’s a happy ending for everyone; the scavengers get their horse to get out of the ‘dead zone’, Evil Overlord gets to make some more head-bashing friends, and we get to know the locals on the eastern coast of the post-apocalyptic US.

Let’s end this episode with Blondie and Perpetually who FINALLY come to a bloody truce and agree that they have a mutual enemy with the Mount Weather people. Blondie frees Perpetually and tells her to go back and gather her people for war wheeeenn, yea no.

The Arc Town soldiers shoot them both.

Seriously.

Blondie gets a flesh wound but Perpetually ain’t so lucky. She’s dead.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Five of the Most Terrifying anime/manga characters in recent pop culture

Part Four: Kill la Kill, Ragyo Kiryuin

For anybody who has been living under a rock Kill la Kill was 2013's hot anime filled with satirical fan-service in the form of ridiculous sailor fuku 'armor', one wacky plot of clothing bent on taking over the world, and some all around fun times with insanely powerful characters. Did I mention spoilers, because holy crap SPOILERS.

Bare with me, it's Christmas Eve, I'm getting over a cold so this may be a bit short.

Ragyo Kiryuin is the main antagonist, the final boss and possibly a contender for the world's worst mother award

What I liked about her is that there is no tragic backstory, there is no reason for her being evil, SHE JUST IS and she owns it. Ragyo is over-the-top, very smart, VERY powerful, power-hungry and bent on taking over, not just the world, but the universe. She's got a lot of ambition.

I liked the subverted roles in the anime. Ragyo and her husband (Ryuuko's father) were scientists, on the cutting edge of understanding this alien technology of Life Fibers and the insane power it holds. Ragyo is the cold, zero-emotion character who discards her own new-born child in favor for a more promising specimen. Like, literally, she throws Ryuuko down the garbage chute. And it's Ryoko's father who is compassionate, caring (eh, ish. Caring-ish - some of the things he does is questionable) and rescues her from the garbage heap and raises her (until he's brutally murdered on Ragyo's orders).

She's just... as evil as you can get and she does it in style.

I like, also, how unapologetically evil she is. Like, she don't give no crap about 'love' or emotions. Even as she is defeated she spits on Ryoko's ambitions and emotion. Badass evil lady is out to ruin your day (and existence). I give you, ladies and gentleman, Ragyo Kiryuin.

Monday, December 22, 2014

The 100 Season Two Episode Three: Reapercussions

Crap, So I totally apologize for being a giant lazy butt and not getting to the second episode before it was pulled on both Hulu and the CW. We’re not going to have a second episode recap unless I can find it for free somewhere on the internet.

So with a slight gap in between we shall move onto episode three.

To remind everyone: The world has ended and the fate of humanity is (mostly) in the hands of teenagers. A small portion of our Teens have been captures and brought to Weather Mountain to participate in a Normal Rockwell lookalike contest.

Blondie doesn’t buy it.

Finn was taken, now he’s rescued, Bellamy, Finn and the Hyena (and a couple of others) team up to go and find their friends, breaking out of the ‘safety’ of the Arc Town with the help of Doctor Mama. Who also gives them guns.

I think the second episode ends with Blondie finding the dark underbelly of the Normal Rockwell groupies; in this case its human experimentation. Guess who she finds locked up in a cage? Perpetually Perturbed who is mighty eager to get out.

Okay, Episode Three: Reapercussions.

People in a cage, and people hanging upside down with medical… things all around. That doesn’t seem to bode well. Clarke is going to get Perpetually out (even though they’ve constantly tried to kill one another in the past, I’m sure nothing will go wrong with that).

So either the plot is weak or the padlocked cage is, because Blondie manages to manhandle the lock open by twisting it with a pipe and it just… pops off without a lot of effort. I think whoever bought that lock should get a refund.

Whoa, its too early to celebrate; one of the scientists waltzes in and Blondie scrambles into Perpetual’s cage and prays the doctor doesn’t notice the (not even broken) lock on the ground. She doesn’t.

They make a run for it.

And are dropped down the corpse shoot into some tunnels where apparently the Reapers congregate to feast? What’s with that? Are the Norma Rockwell groupies keeping Reapers as pets?

And here they come! Good times and cannibalism for everyone. Our Dynamic Duo leap into an empty mining cart and play dead, hoping that by looking really unappetizing the Reapers won’t gnaw on their entrails.

It. Kind of works?

Instead the Reapers toss in some more mostly dead bodies and cart off our Dynamic Duo to their supposed doom.

The Arc survivors are surviving and rebuilding a city on the ground while the newly appointed Evil Overlord is unhappy with the Doctor Mama’s involvement with the freeing of those rascally teenagers.

Speaking of which; Finn, Bel, the Hyena and some other kids are on the hunt for Clarke and the rest, not knowing it was actually the freaky Normal Rockwell groupies of Weather Mountain that have taken them.

And whoops, Octavia is in trouble (and is sans McPecs, so I assume something terrible happened to him?) so that must mean its Tuesday.

Jasper is easy prey for cultists; all you gotta do is fling one of their nubile teenage girls at him and feed him cake and he’s taken into the fold.

Engineer kid is concerned he hasn’t seen Clarke in a long time and Jasper is all ‘but CAKE and BOOBIES!’ And he’s out.

Our Dynamic Duo wait until the Reapers are good and feasting and not paying attention before they hop the cart and get the hell out of there, but not before Perpetually throws a hissy fit about ‘working alone’ or some stupid shit because YEAH, going off on your own in abandoned tunnels with cannibals looking to gnaw on your leg bone is TOTES a good idea.

Finn, Bellamy and Co. decide the best way to find out what happened is to kidnap a grounder and torture information out of him.

Also, meanwhile, the Arc community has caught their own Grounder as well.

Strangely enough Bel and Co. are actually successful in capturing a grounder without too much fuss. It’s like a 100 first; a plan that actually goes as planned.

Octavia stalks some Grounders.

The Dynamic Duo finally split up, leaving Clarke alone, freaked out and trying to find a way out inside the vast tunnel network of Weather Mountain. Apparently Perpetually Perturbed is not a team player.

Ah ha, Octavia is now teaming up with Grounders to try and rescue…McHottypants? So I guess in the last episode he was taken or something.

Aaand Blondie trips up and is cornered by cannibals. Then is taken by Mount Weather personnel like some weird game of ‘who gets to take Clarke now?’. Instead of being eaten she’ll just get experimented on.

Back at the Arc the Old Ways are hard to let go of, apparently, the security officer chief is demanding they give the Doctor Mama ten lashes with the electro-whatsit, for letting the teens go and giving them weapons.

And like a dumbass Evil Overlord agrees because ORDER and SANCTITY or some bullshit. Soooo…. They’re going to torture their only competent doctor in the entire camp. Like I said. DUMBASSES.

In a parallel to this activity Bel and Co. are torturing their own captive to find the whereabouts of Clarke and everyone else, even though we, the audience, know the grounders have nothing to do with it.

Old One Eye ain’t dumb. They aren’t going to stop until he tells them SOMETHING so he lies about their friends. And Finn goes a little postal. With a gun. Mr. Greenpeace has been unhinged since the last time we saw him apparently. Maybe the Grounders beat him a little too hard on the head.

And we flash back to Octavia’s little coup with the Grounders which also goes swimmingly well; they free their captured comrades, Octavia searches for McHotMuffins in vain and howls at the moon. Like, ferserious, she lets out this horrible scream that echoes into the commercials. Where is Lincoln?

Back at the Norman Rockwell Groupie center Jasper’s girlfriend lies through her teeth about Clarke and says, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry but Clarke went batshit crazy and we had to put her in the psyche ward. Because. CRAZY, you know, chicks be crazy?’

And Jasper doesn’t even question it. I’m starting to get a bad feeling about him.

So where is Blondie, really? About to be taken into the lab. Since she knows the dark truth about Mount Weather, she’s about to become a lab experiment. Until!

With a warrior like screech in comes Perpetually!! The Dynamic Duo is back and makes another run for it!

Must run faster.

FREEEEEDOM!

Of a watery sort.

Back at Arc Town the Evil Overlord is feeling guilty about beating the only doctor in the community. Badass Doctor Mama gives him a LOOK and says point blank, ‘look, bitch, you can beat me but I’m still going to break rules if I have to’.

HELL YEAH.

And now I am officially changing Evil Overlord to Idiot Overlord because DAMN, are you dumb.

Huurrr, derp, I know that, but I tortured you anyway.

And he wants to make ‘diplomatic’ contact with the Grounders to negotiate for peace. *GIGGLESNORT* yeaaa, I give that about thirty seconds before someone gets harpooned.

Meanwhile, Clarke has survived her leap of faith and is dragged ashore by Perpetually. They have a brief moment of FRIENDSHIP before Perpetually Perturbed smashes a rock into Blondie’s head and claims her as a hostage.

Whoops.

Back with the Find Blondie Team, Bel wants to take off and find this camp that the Grounder has told them about. This creates an argument with what to do with said Grounder.

Bel doesn’t want to kill him, he says its no better than execution and cold blooded murder with him tied up on a chair and unable to defend himself.

The Hyena argues that if they don’t kill him they are screwed and while they are all arguing we hear one gunshot. The Grounder falls over, very dead and FINN is standing there with the smoking gun.

What the hell is going on with Finn?! When did Bel and Finn switch personalities?

Team Find Blondie moves out.

Let’s end this episode with Octavia, beaten and huddled leaning against a tree trunk. A Grounder stands before her and she says dully, ‘if you’re going to kill me get it over with’.

BUT, instead the Grounders are all like, YOU HAVE FOUGHT WELL, COME WITH US. And she’s like, Cool, okay.

BUT WHERE IS McHOTTYGRIDDLECAKES?? In the worst place one can be, one assumes, caught and being sized up like the grade A piece of meat he is by one of the Mount Weather scientists. Uh oh, he is now up for experimentation by the Norman Rockwell Groupies!!!

Sunday, December 21, 2014

heads up

For this week, being Christmas AND I HAVE A THIRD COLD AND AM SICK AGAAAAAIIIN, things will be a little late. I was going to get The 100 Ep. 2 knocked out but then I couldn't peel myself off the couch so I'll get it done tomorrow. Probably. Later, tomorrow. How do you get THREE COLDS, that's one each month since October.

Edit: ok, I've looked everywhere and ep 2 has already been taken down on both Hulu and the CW channel so unless someone can provide me with a free link to watch it we're not going to have episode two and I apologize. I was lazy and waited too long. Working on ep 3 right now.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Five of the most terrifying anime/manga characters in recent pop culture

Five of the Most Terrifying anime/manga characters in recent pop culture

Part Three: Toaru Kagaku no Railgun, Mugino ‘Meltdowner’

Setting aside some obvious fanservice moments, Kagaku no Railgun is easily one of the best anime’s of 2013.

A specialized city that focuses mainly on (Japanese) school systems, and 80% student population and of those students the vast majority possess supernatural powers, OR are known as Espers.

As you can imagine all sorts of trouble happens. The main focus is on Mikasa, one of the Level 5 Espers (Level 5 is the highest rating, and the most powerful. Like, CRAZY, powerful) of Academy City. If Miisaka ranks number three on the top ten Level Fives then Mugino is number four, and ain’t happy about it.

Mugino shows up a little later in the series as a hired assassin leading an organization called ITEM; a group of mostly young Esper girls who are talented assassins in their own right.

When Misaka crosses the dark powers that run Academy City ITEM is hired to wipe out the ‘pest’ not knowing that it’s actually a Level 5 Esper. Misaka scrapes a win against one of the members of ITEM only to run into Mugino after three days of nonstop use of her electromagnetic power.

Here’s where it gets fun.

Mugino quickly realizes that Mikasa is something unusual and sends home the rest of her team, having figured out that it’s none other than the ‘Railgun’ and this is her chance to step up to the number three spot.

Of course she kicks the shit out of Misaka but Misaka wins (barely) by being very clever and using tactics instead of sheer power.

What I loved about Mugino VS Misaka is that it’s actually a very brutal, no-holds-barred fight. Usually in shounen women are treated with kids gloves during battle, not involved in battle, or have a very muted presence, even though they have been introduced as ‘warriors’. There are a handful of series that go against this but mostly women don’t get to have a down-and-gritty fight with blood a’flying.

When I say Mugino kicks the shit out of Mikasa I mean she does her best to rip her apart. Mugino is powerful, smart, good with tactics and she knows it. She’s got no problem hunting down her objective with any means necessary.

She also seems to be slightly insane.

There is a wonderful juxtapose in this scene where Mugino, stylish, beautiful and going all-out against a middle-school aged child, is screaming obscene curses and enjoying squashing her enemy flat.

After the Mugino VS Misaka showdown she becomes OBSESSED with Misaka and killing her because that seems to be her personality; the type of person who cannot STAND being beaten. She falls into a definite kind of madness where she ends up killing one of her team members out of pure viciousness.

Though, I think, Mugino is a character that is later redeemed in the series the Mugino that is introduced is vicious, powerful, power-hungry, without mercy, and a damned good villain.

Monday, December 15, 2014

The 100 Season 2 Episode One Recap

The 100 48, Season 2 Episode One

The 48

Hooooly crap, it's been a long time since we've recapped The 100 and it's already eight (?) episodes in? Goody, this should be fun.

The world has ended and now the fate of humanity is in the hands of teenagers. Hooooly crap, it’s been a long time since I’ve done a review on this series. I wish someone would have warned me that the second season was starting because now I’m like, SIX episodes behind.

Right. Okay. What the hell happened last season?

Er. Right. War with the Grounders, Blondie and Ect. got kidnapped by men in white coats and now she’s locked up in that stupid Weather Mountain or whatever it was they were looking for waaaay back in the first episode.

Oh. And the Arc came crashing down out of space.

So presumably

Blondie has been chilling in her White Room for… a while now. She peers out the one window in the door and spies someone in a hazmat suit cleaning the room where…aw, crap, what was his name? One her friends previously occupied.

There has been no communication, no nothing since she has been brought there and Blondie has had enough.

She stages a one-woman revolt by breaking that window (cutting herself in the process) and taking the cleaning lady hostage.

No, literally, the person in the suit is some mopey faced teenage chick who freaks out when Blondie shoves a glass shard into her throat and orders her to get her out of here.

Aw, making friends already.

They make a fun voyage through tunnels and elevators all the while her hostage is blathering about contamination and they run into…?

Someone’s birthday party in a time warp, apparently.

Blondie stands there, staring, agape as people sit and eat and look like they stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting until one of them spies the bleeding blonde girl with the hostage and screams “CONTAMINATIOOONNNN!!!!”

Uh oh, that doesn't bode well.

Meanwhile, Bellamy runs through the woods.

I guess not everybody was kidnapped by white men in suits?

And we have Octavia who was stuck with an arrow and- PPPFFFTT AHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD I FORGOT!!! Mr. Abs pulls out the cauterization to ‘heal’ her. Oh GOD, SPASM, LAUGHTER SPASM, I forgot this fucking show uses burning flesh to cure all ailments. Deep breaths, okay, whew. Oh, and she’s poisoned. Of course.

Raven is still shot and the Hyena crawls in to die with her because IRONY. Also 'I don't want to die alooone.' Stupid Hyena.

Blondie is recaptured and is now tied to a bed and we learn that the Normal Rockwell subterranean people are assholes.

Mopey hisses and spits at Clarke that, ‘IN ANOTHER TEN MINUTES WE WOULD HAVE RELEASED YOU’

Which made me laugh my ass off because WTF!? Why didn’t you TELL HER THAT or have ANY COMMUNICATION AT ALL FROM THE MOMENT YOU FUCKING KIDNAPPED HER?!?

So yea, we’re not going to trust the Normal Rockwell Groupies.

The Norman Rockwell Groupie President arrives with Sad Face and bullshit, claiming he ‘saved’ Blondie and her friends but hey, they all have very nice clothes. They share pretty clothes with Blondie who promptly breaks off the heel of a stiletto to presumably hide so she can stab someone later.

Yay, and there is scientifical BS and fluff about ‘absorbing’ radiation and everybody from space is immune (SO not how radiation and science works) and REUNION!!

Everybody is dressed nicely and Jasper is a like a big gangly golden retriever slobbering over everything, while Blondie is like WHAT THE EVER LOVING HELL IS GOING ON!?

Bell and the others are running after FINN who got kidnapped by the only Grounder who did NOT get fried in the flash bomb fire from last season.

Octavia is tripping and

The 48 are enjoying the high life and eating CAKE while Blondie memorizes the map she was given by the Normal Rockwell Welcoming Committee.

DON’T DO IT JASPER, THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!

Bell’s plan to rush in heroically fails hilariously while he gets the ever-loving SHIT kicked out of him while the Redshirts watch from the bushes.

And they LEAP HEROICALLY TO THE RESCUE…. And they..

Annnnd they…. Watch him get captured THEN LEAP HEROICALLY TO THE RESCUE when the crash Arch survivors show up with guns and blow away the Grounder dude, saving everyone.

Yaaay. Evil Overlord in Training is aaliiiiive.

Octavia makes an awkward scarf for McHotty.

Super tension between teens and adults as they tell the little Lord of the Flies survivors that they can go back to being kids now that adults are here. You know, forget about the last year of scraping survival off of rocks, being brutally murdered by the locals, drugs, alcohol and betrayal JUST FORGET ALL THAT and let the adults take it from here.

Pffft.

Doctor Mama finds Raven barely breathing and Bell leaps upon the Hyena with savagery to be pulled off by Evil Overlord in Training who claims he’s ARRESTING Bellamy. Yeah, okay.

WE ARE NOT SAVAGES, he claims.

Oh, I’d give it a week before he revises that statement.

Blondie tries to escape but is arrested too. Troubled teens, eh? The President and she share a squishy moment of art lovin’ and he tells her there were no other survivors (LIAR LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE) and that she should just try to live peaceably amongst the Norman Rockwell Groupies.

The Arc survivors and teens head back to basecamp where Evil Overlord in Training becomes just the Overlord and Doctor Mama carves a message to Clarke at the camp, in case she should find it.

Mr. President sends along some art supplies to Clarke, trying to buy her affection but Blondie ain’t no dummy – she uses the supplies to make a colorful guide to all known exits of the underground base.

Original Evil Overlord is still alive and talking to himself. Oxygen deprivation I suppose. What’s this!?! IN THE DISTANCE A BABY WAILS!! Some bastard mofo left their baby on board. WILL THE EVIL OVERLORD FIND THE WILL TO LIVE!?