The world ended, we went to space and now the fate of humanity is in the hands of teenagers. We learn that our intrepid explorers are not alone in the jungles of Virginia, Jasper is still (sort of) alive, Blondie is concerned and Wells just wants to be loved.
Episode 3: Earth Kills
Alternatively called The Episode in Which Everybody Screams A Lot. Alternatively, alternatively called The Episode Where the Plot Jumps Around Like a Crack Filled Ferret or WTF Did I Just Watch?
We begin this episode with a heart-warming flashback to good times™ when Wells and Blondie were BFFs, the daddy was still alive and everybody is watching 147 year footage of football. Not a lot to do on a spaceship, I guess.
Daddy Blondie announces it’s time to be intriguin’ because he’s found an irreversible problem with the life support and well, they’re all gonna die.
Flash forward to Now and Earth Below the camp is filled with the moans (and screams) of a previously harpooned Jasper who’s taking his time dying. This disturbs the delicate flowers of the camp who scream like a crusty fish wife to shut the fuck up and die already. Kids.
More screams! This time coming from the forest outside the campfire. A young girl thrashes against horrible nightmares and Blondie goes to investigate. Why, it’s Charlotte – our official youngin’ of the group of youngins’ who can’t be more than twelve years old. She’s adorable, she’s scared, Blondie comforts her the best she can.
So apparently the space station has a quaint custom of ‘floating’ people who disturb the status quo and Charlotte’s parents were among those. Blondie can relate; she recently saw her own father shunted into the cold embrace of zero oxygen space.
Seeing how fearsome and deadly a twelve year old girl is the good folks of the space station sent her along to Earth with the other 100 criminal teens. And being the little ray of light she is Blondie tries to bring levity to the conversation with,
“Being on the ground is our second chance!”
At what? Dying horribly from dysentery or being eaten by some freak animal? I don’t know about you but I don’t feel comforted.
Bonding is over, it’s time for some more screaming. Unbeknownst to the camp Random Teens have snuck away to trek through the forest in the name of Banal Romance. Guided by the stars they search for not food, shelter or a way to Mount Weather (which seems to be completely forgotten) but a…jump ship. What the everloving fuck….a jump ship?! What, how, WHY?! There’s another ship? How did it get there? How did they know about it? How do they plan on flying it and where are they planning on going? All questions that will never be answered because one moment the starry sky is reflected in their dewy romantic eyes and the next they are caught in a sudden deadly onslaught of…FOG!!
Pee yellow fog that burns! It burns! And now they are no more and we bring our focus back to Jasper who is still screaming. After three days. Damn, if that kid has the energy to scream for three days I don’t think he’s going to die.
Oh, hey! The henchman is still alive! I see, tying him to a tree (what IS it with this series and tying people to trees?) was a ‘punishment’ for making out with Octavia. Cool bro, like totes keep your mitts off my sister or I’ll cut you. Got it. Bellamy lays down the law and he and henchmen are cool. Octavia is not cool with all the strong-arming and decision making taken away from her and let’s Bellamy know it. Harridan! You will live barren and alone because your brother is a douche bag!
Back to the still screaming Jasper we learn what happens When Teens Medicate and it isn’t pretty. Or logical. There is a random comment thrown in that the wound had also been cauterized and Blondie needs to do it again? Or she needs to strip away infected flesh with a white hot knife because the script writers have been watching too many medical dramas? None of this sounds like something a real medical emergency would actually entail.
Bellamy pops up and says he’s tired of the noise that Jasper is making and gives an ultimatum; if he isn’t better by tomorrow he’ll kill him to put him out of his misery.
Is this the end of Jasper!?
Well you’ll have to wait because it’s time for another flashback. Not much new here, it’s pretty much been summarized by previous episodes; Daddy Blondie wants to tell everybody that they’re going to die, Doctor Mama disagrees saying it will end in riots and chaos, Blondie overhears the argument and-
Back on Earth we have a surprising 360 personality turn as Octavia blows off Bellamy in order to stay and help Jasper while Bellamy and the hyena’s go off to hunt. Blondie notices that the poultice the ‘Grounders’ used to save Jasper is made out of…seaweed. You know what that means, right? Time to hunt for seaweed. In the middle of Virginia. In a tropical zone.
So the Love Triangle takes to the woods, and how on earth does Blondie’s hair stay so Panteen Pro-V perfect? It’s just so soft and wavy and wonderful for being stuck in the wilderness without showers or shampoo.
Wells and Blondie have turmoil, Pot Head finds a conveniently buried car (which, against all odds, is perfectly intact after being buried for a century in the dirt) which comes in handy when the Pee Fog rolls in and traps the Love Triangle underground in the car.
In other parts of the woods we have a tender bonding moment between Bellamy and Charlotte, who has followed the group out to hunt and taken shelter against the Pee Fog.
Papa Bellamy, like the excellent role model that he is, hands Charlotte a razor blade and tells her in order to stop the nightmares she has to slay her demons when she’s awake and tells her to repeat after him,
“Screw you, I’m not afraid!” and*snort* “Fear is weakness, fear is death”
Ah, Papa Bellamy giving horrible life decision advice and raising the next generation of homicidal sociopaths. Surely there will be no consequences to telling young children to kill things that upset them.
The Love Triangle stews underground in the car, Blondie is angry, Wells is pouty and Pot Head just wants everybody to get along. Add century old alcohol to the mix and you get a teary AND angry Blondie who tells Wells to go die.
In our next flashback we get closer to the death of Blondie’s father who is arrested before he can broadcast the message of doom. The fog clears and we get to the more confusing mess of the plot of episode three. The miracle seaweed has been found, Pot Head is trying to patch things up between Blondie and Wells but hark!
There comes a(nother) scream from the forest! Charlotte stands over the previous episodes henchmen who has been caught in the fog and looks like a cheese grater has been applied vigorously to his skin.
Bellamy and Blondie shoo everybody back to the camp while they take care of the poor bastard who is laying there gurgling, ‘kiiillll meeeee….’ Even Blondie recognizes there is no hope for him. Bellamy, for all his bravado, is frozen as he stares at his previous henchmen gurgling on the ground. Charlotte, before leaving, hands the knife to him and in a creeperific dull tone of voice says, ‘don’t be afraid’
OF WHAT ?! Killing a man stone cold? Cutting someone’s throat? God damn, that kid is really starting to freak me out.
Well, he ain’t getting any deader so Blondie takes the knife, sings a sweet lullaby and gently slides the knife into the henchmen’s neck. This is officially the part where I started muttering WTF every thirty seconds.
I like how the realism of killing someone is just sort of glossed over; the poor creature doesn’t move, there is no blood (which, what? I’m assuming she was going after the carotid artery in which wouldn’t there be a mighty spray of blood? Or at least A LOT OF BLOOD? And is killing someone really so easy?) no screaming (ha, for once) just this gentle slide into sweet oblivion. With Charlotte creeping in the background watching with openmouthed awe.
Back at camp we seem to have a Bizarro world reversal going on; Octavia is compassionate and invested in keeping Jasper alive, Bellamy is subdued by the death of his henchman, seaweed saves the patient and we have our final flashback.
So obviously someone spilled the beans about the plot to let everybody know they are about to die a horrible, horrible death and we assume it’s Wells who watches with a stony expression as Daddy Blondie tearfully says goodbye to wife and child and is shunted out the airlock. Dude. ‘Floated’. The true story of how Clark’s dad really died which was already explained in previous episodes.
We wrap up the episode with a number of brain jarring plot twists. Blondie and Wells have it out one more time as he buries the recent dead but SHOCK! It wasn’t Wells who spilled the beans about the plot. Are you ready for this? DOCTOR MAMA LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG.
We have a tearful reconciliation as Blondie verbally realizes the truth behind her father’s death and Wells stoically replies it was a friends duty to let her hate him and treat him like shit while she believed he was responsible. Yay, reconciled BFFs bonding over corpses.
So all is well within the camp as Wells takes up watch in the deep of night. Oh, and there’s Charlotte who tags along behind everybody like a stray cat. God, she’s so cute and tiny and inoffensive. She sits down next to Wells and they converse and-
OH GOD SHE STABS HIM IN THE NECK!!
IN THE MOTHERFUCKING NECK, THIS TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL JUST STABBED WELLS IN THE NECK!!
Then proceeds to parrot the lullaby Blondie sung earlier in a super creepy imitation as she moans, ‘Sorry! Sorry!’
Charlotte logic is as follows: in order to stop terrible nightmares about parents death one must kill the demons that torment you ---> the Evil Overlord is the one who caused her parents death and her exile ----> Evil Overlord is not present at said time but look! ----> the Evil Overlord’s son IS! And he looks like Evil Overlord! ----> let’s stab Wells in the neck and watch him gasp and gurgle as he dies drowning in his own blood! Good going, Bellamy.
Well, that took an abrupt turn into horrorville. Tune in next time for Children of the Corn meets dystopian YA.