Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Watership Down Chapters Seven and Eight

Chapter Seven: The Lendri and the River

Previously on Bunnies on Parade: the bunnies frolicked in the woods and then there was bunny story telling time. Uh oh! DANGER! The Lendri is on the loose! What the hell is a Lendri? Your guess is as good as mine. Let's play Mystery Animal.

What's got a 'long, dog-like head' and is 'striped black and white, has powerful paws and a great shaggy black body?' Damned if I know. Beaver? Badger? Tasmanian Devil? Escaped convict?

Well, it's not interested in the bunnies because its already eaten some hapless critter. Whew, score one for the Fellowship of the Cottontails.

Then there was the river, which to little bunnies must seem like a crazy impossible obstacle.

Bigwig is a dick.

But across the meadow is a dewy golden meadow, enticing the bunnies into the water.

Chapter Eight: The Crossing

The bunnies come down to the sandy cove of the bend of the river and stare out at the moving water.

'Yeaaaaah, no. Let's eat.' Says Hazel.

Cool, yo. The bunnies distract themselves with grass. Fiver inches up to Hazel and says, 'Uh, yea - we need to cross that, like, pronto.'

Dissent in the ranks! The bunnies are tired of their adventure and they are only like, eight chapters into the story. Sheesh. Somehow the weakest of the group, Pipkin, injured himself. How the hell did he do that? Was rolling along at a sedate pace too much and he cut himself on a bluebell?! I can see who is going to get eaten first.

Bigwig continues to be a dick.

Bluebell proves himself clever and says, 'hey, Bigwig, you big strong strapping bunny you, why don't you swim across first and tell us what's on the other side?'

Which happens to be a dog. Rather, a dog on the wrong side of the river within distance of the other bunnies. SWIM FOR YOUR LIIIIVES!

But Pipkin is injured! Another flash of genius from that Da Vinci of cottontails - Blueberry suggests moving Pipkin onto a floating bit of wood.

WHAT IS THIS SORCERY!? 'HE'S SITTING ON WATER' the bunnies are shocked and amazed and successfully navigate the river.

Monday, April 28, 2014

The 100 Episode Six Review

Previously on Will Any Cast Members Be Left Alive At the End of the Show?

The world ended and now the fate of humanity is in the hands of teenagers. The death toll rises and the stakes are high; the Will They Won’t They drama-rama 100 had been building for five episodes ended in Won’t. That’s a few hundred people dead and they aren’t out of the woods yet.

Episode Six: His Sisters Keeper

So we ended the previous episode on a rather mass dead-ed note with the slightest of glimmers of hope that even though the Council killed hundreds of people, the rockets that were launched from earth were (against all expectations and realism) seen from the Mother Ship. We start this episode with a horrifying look at Pregnancy in Space. Yeah. Don’t do it.

Seriously. It’s another flashback, this time with a window into Bellamy and Octavia’s past the day Octavia was born illicitly.

Baby Bellamy is being traumatized by the miracle of birth as his mother hunches mostly naked on the floor and grits through her teeth, ‘tell Mama what happens if you ask for help! SAY IT!’

‘You get floated!’

I’m beginning to understand why Bellamy is so fucked up. For that matter how are you supposed to hide a baby in a glorified tin can in space? ‘Where did you get that?’ ‘Oh, this? I found this between the seat cushions the other day.’

Seriously, for that matter how do you hide a pregnancy when everybody has the breathing room of a hamster cage? Well, anyway Octavia is eventually born and Bellamy imprints on her like a baby stork and decides to name her after one of the great emperors sisters, Octavia. We end the flashback with baby Bellamy uttering the unfortunate words,

‘I’ll never let anything happen to you, I promise’

Yeah, we all know how that ends. It’s like poking Fate’s eye with a stick when you end a huge obligation with, ‘I promise.’

In the Present, Bellamy isn’t doing so good on his word; Octavia wakes up in a hole somewhere (or should I say re-wakes up? Because the last we saw of her she WAS awake and staring at the dude looming over her. Inconsistent, script writers, inconsistent.) with Silent Dude still looming but with the addition of holding a red hot poker.

At the camp, Bellamy is beating the war drums and gathering a rescue party to find the mislaid Octavia. Finn and Raven exchange smooches and domestic bliss and Blondie does NOT want to talk about what happened.

‘But baby, I love you too!’

I’m starting to dislike Finn more and more with each passing episode.

It’s a good thing everybody is awake because the night sky is suddenly filled with hundreds of flashing…stars? Meteors?

Oh how pretty! Except, NOT because as Blondie points out with a horrified look on her face, those flashing lights are the bodies being thrown back to earth for burial (which, wait, what? How? WHAT?! How does that even…. so the Mother Ship happens to have hundreds of space worthy coffins to fling back to earth? They don’t like, recycle, the bodies to grow crops or something? How many space coffins are on board? And – send back to earth for burial? Like at high speed ending in one big splatted mess against the soil? How long have they been doing this? HOW DOES THIS EVEN WORK??)

So the camp realizes that they didn’t make it, they didn’t see their rockets and as a result hundreds of people have been killed. Bummer, says Bellamy, but I don’t care because My Sister. On the other hand the Will They Won’t They hasn’t ended yet as we continue the plot of Nobody Knows What the Other is Doing on Earth and in Space. (….if they have space coffins why the FUCK don’t they just put a bunch of radios in separate pods and just fling that in the teens general direction?)

De je vu with Octavia all over again as she wakes up AGAIN in the cave/hole/underground whatever she’s been taken to.

She winces at pokes at her leg, which had a terrible gash in it. Turns out the red hot poker was to cauterize the wound. (WHAT is with this show and cauterizing wounds that don’t need to be cauterized!? Cauterizing a wound is an absolute Last Resort, only used when life and death is in the balance and the person is dying anyway. Assuming Silent Dude is a human born and raised on earth, following generations of survivors being born and raised on earth is it too farfetched to believe that ONE of them has some sort of basic understanding of medicine?!? That someone SOMEWHERE has some kind of needle and thread?! Is this how all medical emergencies are treated – ‘Whoops, I sprained my ankle GET THE WHITE HOT POKER OUT’!?)

Okay, okay the search party is on the trail and Octavia scuttles through abandoned tunnels of what I’m going to assume were water ducts, or the sewer (and…wait, hold on – didn’t she have a huge gash on her leg? And now she crawling around on her belly, dragging her injured leg through God knows what? Such is the miracle of cauterizing – cures all ills. I’ll have to remember that next time I get a cold.)

Bellamy and the Gang stumble across the Grounders Graveyard which also may be what happened to all the bodies flung to earth over the years by the Mother Ship. That may be a plausible explanation as to why the Grounders are homicidal and pissed off all the time – raining corpses from space landing on their camp grounds, who WOULDN’T be angry?

Time for another flash back to illicit family times of Bellamy and Octavia. So Octavia has never left the ten by ten room they all share, and most of the time she’s crammed into a tiny space underneath the floor. And she’s not batshit crazy, how? She’s never left this room, never seen other people, never been socialized and has basically been raised in a big black hole– these are all ingredients for crazy times, not just a Tragic Backstory. Girl should be painting the wall with her own blood at this point.

The B & O Mama is super good with kids; she ingrains into them FEEEAAARRR, FEAR IS THE ENEMY, FEEL NO FEEEAARRR. And we all know what happens when we repress things right? How the hell Octavia’s head doesn’t just start spinning is beyond me.

Uh oh, back in the present Earth girlfriend Blondie and Space girlfriend Raven are talking as Finn is out helping with tracking Octavia. You can see where this is heading right? Bitch fight time or Back Away From My Man. Good to know stereotypes survived the fallout.

Back on the Hunt for Octavia the Gang are wandering aimlessly through the woods. From the trees! It’s Dude with a Bungee Cord.

Now you see him.

Now you don’t.

And now he’s dead.

Grounders! Grounders from the trees! Grounders from the ground! Run, Gang, run! Time for some more death and destruction and seriously, everybody is gonna die.

That can’t be healthy.

Octavia enters the fray!

But is held back by Silent Dude as another teen gets skewered!

Octavia is kidnapped again by Dude Who Does Not Talk. Is he lonely? Is he friendly? Is he merely accessorizing his man cave?

This seems like a perfectly appropriate time for a flashback. Teen Octavia and Young Adult Bellamy are being adorable together; Bellamy is a caring, considerate older brother and Octavia is fragile and hungry for the world outside the metal door of their home.

So Bellamy, now a junior in-training guard, comes up with a plan to allow Octavia one night of fun; there is a masked party happening that very evening and Octavia is going! Nothing can go wrong with that right?

WRONG. Octavia is de-masked and everybody is floated. Well, okay – the mother is floated, Octavia is signed up for the Earth Expedition and Bellamy commits murder to follow after her. Good times.

In the Present Octavia is back in the hole, and this time she’s chained to a wall. Silent Dude must really want a pet. Maybe he should start with the two headed deer instead of Octavia.

In the forest Bellamy and what’s left of the Gang is scrambling around like chickens without heads and are about to experience Death by Grounder when the horn sounds. The pee fog is coming back? Nope, Silent Dude sounded the horn to save their lives, though they may not yet realize it.

Blondie and Raven have their spat over Finn, Raven tries to fix the radio with a Tonka toy and cheap plot tension is cheap.

Bellamy finally finds the hole and rescues Octavia after she bashes Silent Dude over the head and keeps Bellamy from killing him because, you know, he DID sort of save them even if he dragged Octavia back and chained her to a wall.

Silent Dude wakes up and stabs Finn and falls back asleep when he’s knocked on the head again.

Bellamy princess carries Finn back to the camp and the clock is ticking! Blondie can’t save Finn without instruction from a real doctor – her mother. Raven! Get on it!

And we end the episode with a good ol’ sibling fall out; Octavia and Bellamy take out each other’s fear, dismay and turmoil on each other. Each one does their best to one-up the other with rending insults with Bellamy winning the last word with, ‘YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN, YOU KILLED OUR MOTHER’

Yeaaaah, some things should never be said, especially during a fight and THAT is one of them. Octavia makes a run for the door and Bel is all like, ‘WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?’

Seriously, Bellamy – I think you are a decent character at heart but fuck me, you are dumb.

He slams the homemade gate shut with a look at ominous looking clouds on the horizon.

“A storm is coming.”

Friday, April 25, 2014

Fable Two: Hero of Bowerstone update

So I got inspired early and got a chapter out. Now up is chapter Eight: Dark Places for Fable 2: Hero of Bowerstone. Sparrow has a minor breakdown at the expense of hobbes. Poor little buggers.

Watership Down Chapters 5 &6 Recap

Chapter Five: In The Woods

The bunnies have escaped the communist regime and dash away from their homey warren. Then they realize they weren't really cut out for an epic journey and twitch and start at every sound coming from the deep dark forest.

I'm kind of surprised they haven't shivered themselves into an early grave yet.

So they get like twenty feet away and have to stop for the evening because rabbits aren't really built for long distances.

'Tell me a bedtime story'

All righty then bunnies, strap yourselves in for the story of El-ahrai....el-harai- el- .... goddamnit, El-Hazard the 'Prince with a Thousand Enemies'.

Chapter Six: The Story of the Blessing of El-....El-ahrairahahaa....El-Hazard

Whatup, Frith made the world. El-whatshisname is a total polygamist, yo. He's got like a thousand wives and is breeding like a, well, rabbit and all the little El- Hazard's are destroying the ecosystem.

Frith is not pleased at the bunny sex.

Frith sends Frithy Foxy assassins to eat El-Hazard.

El-Hazard sticks his head down a hole and gets his ass blessed.

Out of his ass grows a great white fluffy tail that somehow magically saves him from getting eaten and now all of his billions of descendants will have 'all the world as your enemy' because rabbit is delicious and copious amounts of sex should be punished. The end. There's your goddamn bedtime story, you little furry turds. Now shut up and go to bed.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Five Historic Figures Who Behaved Badly (part five of five)

Five Historic Figures Who Behaved Badly

(part five of five)

Humanity has a notoriously nasty habit of glossing over the bad things that might upset them when concerning heroic historic figures. We seem to forget that they were human and had as many faults as they did graces. Every grade school kid learns how Benjamin Franklin is one of America’s early founders and left a legacy of wisdom and innovate invention that changed the country for the better but don’t know he was also a crusty old lecher riddled with sexual disease. In 1492 Columbus may have sailed the ocean blue but he also systematically wiped out the natives in search for gold. Let’s take a look at some other well known figures who were less than stellar human beings:

1. Frank Lloyd Wright

King of the architects, visionary and number one deplorable bastard.

The Good

Frank Lloyd Wright has been hailed as one of the greatest architects in history and rightfully so; his working life of over 70 years has given us cutting edge architectural innovation, beauty and enduring style. And merchandising. Plenty of merchandising. He was a prolific worker who constantly churned out designs, structures and ideas. His early life was something like out of a dime novel; doting mother, cold father who abandoned them and once he left childhood behind and sought his way in the world he hopped on a railcar with his worldly possessions in a kerchief and-wait, no that’s a different story. He took off to Chicago without telling anyone, with only a few dollars in his pocket, found the largest architectural firm he could find and landed himself a job with them.

The Bad

Wright must have been born under one hell of a lucky star because he arrived in Chicago right after the great fire that wiped out part of the city, so the need for buildings, and hence architects, was great.

He worked his way up the ladder, eventually finding himself in a partnership with Louis Henri Sullivan – a prominent architect of the time. Then, in what we call in layman terms a ‘dick move’ stabbed him in the back when the next large opportunity presented itself; the commission for the Larkin Administrative Building in Buffalo, New York. Wright claimed Sullivan’s designs as his own and lied his way into the commission. Not only did he lie he went way over budget. This would be a lifelong calling card of Wright; nearly every building, every home he designed would go over budget and the contractor would end up shelling out more than what they had bargained for.

‘Better be very careful,’ one client said of Wright ‘in your dealing with him. If he is sane he is dangerous.’

Wright was compulsive with his design and approach; the homes he created were meticulously detailed from the furniture to the flooring straight down to the napkin holders and what stationary the owner could use. If the hostess of the home was wearing a dress that clashed with Wright’s sensitive design palette, he would tell her to change it immediately. Woe betide you if you even thought about moving some of the furniture.

Two teachers who owned one of his prairie homes one day received a package in the mail that contained a vase and a hand written note from Wright saying, ‘I thought this would look perfect over the mantel piece’. It did, and they enjoyed it right up until two weeks later the bill arrived.

His overwhelming concern for his fellow man could best be summed up in the aftermath of the Tokyo Earthquake in 1923. The Imperial Hotel was one of the largest commissions of Wright’s career and stands as a testimony to his innovation; he was one of the early architects to take in account earthquake proofing buildings and designed it accordingly.

The city was leveled, thousands had been killed and in the frantic aftermath Wright’s burning concern was whether or not the building had been damaged.

The Ugly

Apparently talent and God-complexes run hand in hand but the ones who suffer the most are often the ones closest to you. If his numerous clients and associates got shafted then his family got torched and burned.

He married young to Catherine Tobin and set out immediately to have the biggest and grandest family in the Oak Park suburbs. He and Catherine popped out children like a horny conveyer belt of gestation and in no time had six of them.

From the start Wright treated his wife and children more like supporting actors in the theatre of his life rather than actual human beings he supposedly cared for. He would give tours of his home to prospective clients and prop his children around him like a Happy Families advertisement; however, when there wasn’t an audience he was cold and uninterested. He confessed he felt more paternal love for his buildings than he did his own flesh and blood.

He was more of a spoiled child himself than his children were; he wanted recognition and attention in every aspect of his life, even competing against his children for the affection of Catherine which turned to resentment when she couldn’t both raise six children and give him her undivided devotion. So he started an affair with the neighbor.

And he didn’t even bother to hide it; he didn’t care if his wife and neighbors knew and would escort his mistress in a yellow roadster down the street like an adulterous one man parade. The affair accumulated in an elopement that took him and his new lover to Europe for a year while he left Catherine and his six children in debt and with a grocery bill that reached over $900. This was in 1909 so in today’s terms it would be more or less $23,400.000.

(http://www.westegg.com/inflation/infl.cgi)

Only towards the end of his life did he show any inkling of remorse; three days after Catherine died his son broke the news to Wright who asked tearfully why he wasn’t told sooner. His son replied,

‘Well, it wasn’t like you gave a damn about her when she was living.’

Ouch.

(Frank Lloyd Wright Dir. Ken Burns. Lynn Novick. Narrated: Edward Herrmann, PBS Home Video, 1998.)

Monday, April 21, 2014

The 100 Episode Five Recap

Previously on Will They or Won’t They Find a Working Radio

The world ended and now the fate of humanity is in the hands of teenagers. We found out what sort of justice system exists on Earth Below, which is to say, there is no justice system. Bellamy’s Hyena was tossed out, Wells died, the henchmen died and now Charlotte died (also the two idiots from the first episode but we don’t count them, I guess) and Raven took off for Earth Below.

Episode Five: Twilight’s Last Gleaming

We left off with everybody getting their sexy times on and apparently not caring that there is no medical staff, or midwife or anybody who has the remotest idea of how to deliver a baby safely but screw it! Sexy times!

Finn and Blondie have mushy stupid dialogue or rather, Blondie is sweet and Finn is a jackass who finds it appropriate to use the ‘well, you were a convenient hole’ line in the aftermath of sex. Mmmm, romance.

Back in Space everybody is experiencing the effects of the lack of oxygen, Doctor Mama gets a reprieve to ‘help’ patients even though there is nothing you CAN do to heal oxygen deprivation. The natives are getting restless and remain fucking clueless even though there are some pretty big flashing neon red signs saying DOOM!!

The Council has decided to go forth with the mass genocide plan and in 12 hours a whole lotta people are gonna die.

In between Earth and Space, Raven gets ready to plunge through the atmosphere. Here’s hoping that hunk of rust can make it.

Back on Earth, the Lovers emerge from their underground hideaway and Blondie is wearing a century old shirt (which, what? Someone please explain why it isn’t deteriorated beyond use because textiles, alongside paper, would be the FIRST thing to degrade through the passage of time)

Bla, bla, bla – sappy romance, more soggy dialogue - look! In the sky! Is it a star? Is it an alien? It’s a Raven! Falling to earth in a glorious if fiery fashion. Well, the Lovers aren’t the only ones who saw the trail of glowing fire in the sky; Bellamy is roused from his threesome funtimes to shrieks of, ‘Da Plane, boss, da plane!’ or rather everybody wondering if the Overlords Above has sent food or supplies. Or shampoo.

If you recall in previous episodes Bellamy shot the high supreme Councilor (Evil Overlord) and still doesn’t know that Evil Overlord survived (and made a miraculously fast recovery given he was shot in the stomach). Bellamy’s past is about to come back to bite him in the ass unless he gets to Raven first. Blondie and Finn come back to camp to realize that Bellamy did the runner and realize that he means to go after the radio to destroy it. Bellamy and Octavia have a sibling moment as Bellamy confesses to attempting to murder the Evil Overlord. Damn, E.O. how many people HAVE you floated? The B & O siblings mother join the ranks of Dead in Space.

Back in Space, plan Population Reduction *snort* is in full effect but with a caveat; the Evil Overlord decides to include himself in the victims, giving over the reins to the Evil Overlord in Training – Counselor Kane, a nefarious sounding name if I ever heard one.

This brilliant plan of action will put the zero sentiment puppy kicker in charge and ‘do what needs be done’. Sounds solid, nothing could go wrong with that AT ALL.

This would all be solved if someone #Q$)(*&@&!$ just found a radio already but then what would we do without all the WILL THEY WON’T THEY tension the last five episodes have been building.

So on that note Bellamy finds the damaged ship, Raven unconscious then rips out the radio and tosses it into the river.

The Lovers arrive too late to save the radio but find a still alive Raven who digs Earth.

Did you think that we were free from Love Triangles? You thought too soon; guess who the boyfriend is whom Raven has risked everything for? You guess it, dopey Finn who is enveloped in a bloody hug and kiss from his Space girlfriend while his Earth girlfriend watches with an expression that suggests she’s about to throw up while they murmur, ‘I WUV YOU, NO I WUV YOU MORE’. Awkward.

I find it curious that even so far in the future there is no mention or show of homosexuality or polygamy or any other alternate type relationship other than good old hetero sex. Well, with the exception of Bellamy’s little harem but even that falls under bullshit male fantasy of being powerful and having as many bitches as you want at any given time. Next thing you know he’s going to slap them on the ass and ask for a sandwich.

Considering the circumstances (that the human race is seriously decimated and maybe only a few thousand are left) you would think that stances on straight monogamous sex would change a little. But that would be a little too interesting for the CW writers now wouldn’t it?

Back in Space Doc Mama nails the Evil Overlord with ‘you’re a coward and your copping out of your duty AND you’re leaving the puppy kicker sociopath in charge’ speech and promptly turn-heel flounces her way out leaving him to think over his decision.

Octavia falls down a hill.

Blondie catches up with Bellamy who learns, yay! he’s not a murderer AND he tossed away the only chance to save hundreds of people from Death in Space.

Back in Space Doctor Mama decides to play her late husband’s farewell speech to the passengers of the Mother Ship in a hilariously ironic twist meaning that she killed him for nothing. Whoops.

Raven has an idea that maybe instead of trying to get a radio working all they need to do is shoot a bunch of rockets into space with the hope that someone Up There will see them. Glad to see suspension of disbelief is in full effect.

Back in Space humans act unnaturally and calmly line up to die. No rioting was had thanks to the late Blondie daddy, because he appealed to their humanity. Yeah, that would TOTALLY work in real life.

Back on Earth the teens work furiously to let the Mother Ship know that they are alive and earth is (mostly) livable. Will they make it in time!?

No gingers in space, time to die blue collar worker.

The Evil Overlord overturns his death wish decision because ‘you inspired them which in turn inspired me, so I am inspired to keep living’ or something.

Will they.

Or.

Won’t they.

They won’t. Well, shit. Three hundred plus expendables just got expended. Which brings up the question do bodies decompose in zero oxygen space? Or are they just releasing a bunch of corpses to float for all eternity in the vacuum, and for that matter what about all the other people ‘floated’? Things to think about.

Remember Octavia who fell down a hill and hit her head? Well, she woke up to this.

Back in Space, Doctor Mama and Evil Overlord aren’t too happy about the days events and stare up through the porthole (?) window (?) glumly to see…. the rockets that were set off earlier by Earth Below. I know we’re supposed to be happy about this but I just get an overwhelming feeling of Too Little, Too Late. Yeah, NOW we see the rockets.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Watership Down Chapter 4 Recap

Chapter Four: The Departure

Alternatively called The Chapter in Which They Waited. More bunny speak: Fu Inle means 'after moonrise' and the first part of the chapter spirals into a very long explanation of how animals, birds, flocks communicate, which is through a sort of shared telepathy. (True fact: Alexender Key wrote a book about this phenomena in the 70's entitled 'The Strange White Doves'. Key is an extraordinary underrated sci-fi author that everybody should know. Escape to Witch Mountain? That's him. His Incredible Tide inspired Future Boy Conan. Incredible work, go read it. //end rant)

Anyhow the POV of this chapter now seems to be in Hazel's favor as he describes the bunny brigade sliding out of their warren to wait for the Fellowship to show up. We have some more nervous, twitchy types like Fiver in the group and some of the Owsla badasses are on their way. Toadflax, the hilariously named antagonist bunny is ranting about them stirring up trouble with Fiver's dire portent of doom and screams PLOT, YOU ARE PLOTTING AGAINST THE CHIEF. Which they aren't.

Finally Bigwig shows up with one or two other brawny bunnies in tow and - oh, snap! They were followed by the chief of the brawny bunny brigade, Holly, who wants them arrested immediately for treasonous plotting!

'You are under arrest for spreading dissention and in aiding to mutiny'

Pirate bunnies?

Ohhh, then he calls them comrade.

Communist bunnies?

At any rate, Bigwig doesn't need much prodding to fling himself into violence, which is exactly what he does - wailing and kicking on Holly. Holly's bunny backup makes a break for it and Hazel goes all badass and says,

'Go or we'll kill you.'

And Holly replies, like all good villain's and bullies everywhere with a resounding I'll Get You For This!! And scampers off.

Right. Now it's REALLY time to skedaddle. So they do.

Okay, I am officially upping the recap to two chapters at a time because they remain ridiculously short. Next time I'll do 5 and 6 and hopefully get more than three paragraphs of writing out of them.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Five Historic Figures Who Behaved Badly (Part Four of Five)

Five Historic Figures Who Behaved Badly

(part Four of five)

Humanity has a notoriously nasty habit of glossing over the bad things that might upset them when concerning heroic historic figures. We seem to forget that they were human and had as many faults as they did graces. Every grade school kid learns how Benjamin Franklin is one of America’s early founders and left a legacy of wisdom and innovate invention that changed the country for the better but don’t know he was also a crusty old lecher riddled with sexual disease. In 1492 Columbus may have sailed the ocean blue but he also systematically wiped out the natives in search for gold. Let’s take a look at some other well known figures who were less than stellar human beings:

4. The Boston Medium

Unknown charlatan who bamboozled an old lady into building one of the most incredible and strange architectural marvels in the western U.S.

The Good

It’s weird to think that something good can come from something inherently bad but that is exactly the case with the Winchester Mystery House; one of the greatest, and strangest, architectural marvels on the western coast of the U.S. The story of the Winchester Mansion is proof that truth is stranger than fiction.

Sarah Winchester was the widowed heiress of the Winchester fortune; you know, the gun that won the west? Sarah grew up in a normal, if well off, family in New Haven, Connecticut and married William Wirt Winchester (say that ten times fast) in 1862. A normal life was not meant to be alas; her infant died soon after childbirth and soon after that depressing turn of events she lost her husband as well to tuberculosis.

Normally when tragedy of that magnitude strikes you go on with life the best you can and try to fill the rest of your days with charity or gardening or taxidermy. However, add twenty million dollars to your tragic loss and your grief takes an interesting turn. Understandably Sarah felt as though she suffered under a curse and turned to a popular pastime of the Victorian Era – spiritualism. In the early 1880’s she spent most of her time traveling the country, occasionally seeking out council and comfort from various spiritualists who were both swindlers and people who genuinely believed they communed with the dead.

This is how Sarah Winchester met the ‘Boston Medium’ and began the building of the Winchester Mansion.

The Bad

Very little is known about who the Boston Medium was; man or women, charlatan, thief or genuine crack pot, but in a single session this person managed to pull the mindfuck of all mindfucks and tell the already imbalanced Mrs. Winchester that yes indeed her family was cursed. Haunted by the spirits slain by the rifle that made her fortune she must build. She must build a building and never stop for if the hammers ever cease the angry spirits that killed her family will come for her and drag her to her death.

The Ugly

Can you imagine the impact such a statement would have on an already unbalanced, grieving widow? Add in almost unlimited money and you get nearly forty years of round the clock carpentry crazy times.

Either no one tried to reason with Mrs. Winchester, she was too far gone to listen, or maybe you just don’t tell rich people that they are batshit crazy because for the rest of her life she believed that spirits were out to get her and it was reflected in the mansion she built.

The Winchester Mansion was originally a large eight room farm house that by the time of Mrs. Winchesters death, swelled to an epic seven story, one hundred and sixty room mansion.

One wing of rooms would be completed, then would be torn down to be built again and again and again. There were an estimated six hundred rooms that had been built and rebuilt.

There are staircases to nowhere, corridors that end in walls, doors that open into empty space and don’t forget Mrs. Winchesters favorite number, thirteen.

Every window has thirteen panes, there are 13 bathrooms, the chandeliers have 13 candle holders, ect. ect.

The mistress of the Winchester Mansion reportedly spent her days overseeing the building of the house and trying to keep ahead of the ‘spirits’ who wanted her dead. Every night she would sleep in a different room, which ironically almost killed her when the 1906 earthquake destroyed San Francisco and damaged the house that is situated in modern day San Jose. Since nobody knew where she was at any given point it took hours for servants to find her and when they did she was trapped in one of the rooms that had been damaged in the quake.

It was said that she didn’t want anybody to see her face and wore a veil, firing any of the servants whom she believed caught a glimpse.

For a woman who was supposedly cursed she lived a very long and rich life, if you discount the living every moment in fear that something is out to get you. Sarah Winchester died in September, 1922 in her sleep at the old age of 83.

Her will generously gifted friends, family and servants with money - partitioned into thirteen sections, signed thirteen times. Perhaps it could be argued that if it wasn’t the Boston Medium that set her forth on this strange architectural vocation it would have been something else; maybe she would have been one of those little old ladies who had two hundred cats and would have willed her fortune to them. Who knows? However, you can’t deny that whoever the Boston Medium was it takes a special kind of malicious bastardry to willfully and knowingly delude the mentally frail.

http://www.winchestermysteryhouse.com/sarahwinchester.cfm (Official website for Winchester Mansion. Sarah Winchester’s crazy times building a house 24 hours a day for 37 years.)

http://www.skepticblog.org/2009/12/12/a-room-with-no-view/ (‘Boston Medium’ may be Adam Coons or Adam Coombs or possibly a husband/wife carnie team. Either way, this psychic told an unbalanced woman that the ghosts of the victims of the Winchester rifle would stalk and kill her if she didn’t build this home)

http://www.obit-mag.com/articles/build-or-die-the-story-of-sarah-winchester (‘Build or Die’ Estimated 600 or more rooms had been built, torn down and rebuilt over Sarah Winchester’s life at Winchester Mansion.)

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Five Historic Figures Who Behaved Badly (part three of five)

Five Historic Figures Who Behaved Badly
(part three of five)

Humanity has a notoriously nasty habit of glossing over the bad things that might upset them when concerning heroic historic figures. We seem to forget that they were human and had as many faults as they did graces. Every grade school kid learns how Benjamin Franklin is one of America’s early founders and left a legacy of wisdom and innovate invention that changed the country for the better but don’t know he was also a crusty old lecher riddled with sexual disease. In 1492 Columbus may have sailed the ocean blue but he also systematically wiped out the natives in search for gold. Let’s take a look at some other well known figures who were less than stellar human beings:

3. Gustav Klimt

Brilliant symbolist painter who ushered in a new artistic age, and a super satyriasis

The Good

If you want to recognize a Klimt painting all you need to do is check out your local college dorm rooms; square per inch he is the number one artist plastered on walls (only out-plastered by Van Gogh). What do people really know about him other than he makes pretty (if hyper sexualized) paintings?

In an age of stagnation he shook up the art world with the founding of the Vienna Succession and proceeded to have a long career painting naked chicks.

The Vienna Succession was formed in 1897 and included painters, sculptors, and architects. In an art world where everything was measured with an iron ruler Klimt and his gang of avant-garde beatniks broke tradition. When you think of Vienna Succession just think of it as the red-headed step child of Art Nouveau.

The Bad

Klimt was described as, shall we say ‘earthy’ in that water and soap weren’t a real priority for him. He lounged around his studio naked except for a ratty muumuu and kept numerous cats, believing that feline urine worked as a fixative for his paints. To say Klimt was into women would be a hilarious understatement. There is such a thing as liking something too much and it could be said that Klimt liked women like an alcoholic likes a lifetime supply of complementary beer. His studio was called a ‘bordello’ and with good reason.

Remember this was the height of the Victorian Era and while by today’s standards he would be a star in the pornography industry he lived at a time when denial was in high fashion and a lady’s ankle in plain view was scandalous.

Klimt’s work of frank sexuality offended more than it awed, though the Victorians still managed to regard his work through open fingers for all their denunciation. More than one critic called it ‘pornographic’ and ‘obscene’ but there is no denying that what he did was art, if one considers art something that evokes an emotional reaction.

His relationship with women was like something out of the darkest recesses of a Playboy article. By all accounts there was almost always naked lady models lounging in his studio at any given time and he encouraged them to feel free to explore themselves while he observed for ‘artistic’ purposes (seriously, look up Klimt’s female masturbation sketches).

As his fame grew ladies of higher status sought him out for portraits and may have regretted the decision. He wasn’t shy about what he wanted as some described his overwhelming satyr-like temperament as ‘animal-like’ and probably felt like they had a great painted target over their lady gardens.

The Ugly

You can imagine anybody that made a lifelong and successful career out of sex in the Victorian Age probably had an inhuman amount of intercourse and relations with just about anything female.

While sexuality isn’t inherently bad, going overboard with it without proper precautions is. Given the amount of ‘relations’ he had with different prostitutes over many years he contracted syphilis and God knows what other diseases.

He had flings, he had mistresses he had prostitutes, one nighters, back alley relations, quickies, romps, slap and tickles, fornications, and suffice to say you name it he probably did it at some point or another. Multiple times.

Klimt just about wins the gold for the ultimate deadbeat dad; it is estimated that he fathered up to sixteen children and I say ‘estimated’ because those were just the ones who came forward after his death.

Assuming because they spoke up after his death you can imagine that Klimt had no real interest in supporting, or even acknowledging the life he brought into the world nor the women whom he fathered them on.

Therefore, it might be more accurate to say instead of ‘Klimt loved women’ we could put it as ‘Klimt loved the pants feelings that being around (and in) women produced’.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/art/3673232/Gustav-Klimt-a-life-devoted-to-women.html (‘A Life Devoted to Women’ Klimt was a perv. Total perv.) http://www.iklimt.com/life.html ‘So, under an appearance of respectability, Klimt cleverly parinted what interested him most: women’s maddening eroticism. Intriguingly, he painted women nude before covering them with clothes.’ ‘After Klimt’s death, at least 14 people came forth and claimed to be his natural children. At least three of these children had been recognized by Klimt himself during his lifetime.’ (Still a perv. Studio more like a bordello than artist residence. After his death more than 14 people stepped forward claiming to be his illegitimate child)

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Watership Down Chapter 3 Recap

Chapter Three: Hazel's Decision

We last left off with Fiver and Hazel trying to convince the big bunny chief that it was time to skedaddle but he was having none of that. So in a reverse of character Hazel is all decision making and smart and goes, 'Well, we tried - if everything goes to hell in a handbasket we can at least say we told you so'

So the bunnies are gathered on the sweet summer scented hills and are gossiping like little old ladies in a salon parlor, figuring out what to do next. No one believes Fiver's hysterical rants of doom but for some reason everybody believes Hazel when he says, 'Yup, time to go'

We are now gathering the Fellowship of the Ring - er, no more like the Fellowship of adorable cotton tails. We have Bigwig whose all big and brawny and pushy and was tired of being Owlsa anyway, and then Blackberry who wants to get his groove on. Really -> there are 'too many bucks in this warren' and it's 'pretty poor fun for any rabbit but the Owlsa' because I guess the lady rabbits would rather rut with them? Allrighty then, pervy rabbits.

And that's...that's it. The rabbits are gearing up for escape from the warren and that chapter was like eight paragraphs. Damn. Fine, I'll do another chapter soonish.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The 100 Episode Four Review

Previously on Child Sociopaths

The world ended and now the fate of humanity is in the hands of teenagers. The truth of the fate of Blondie’s father was revealed. Again. This time in an episode long flashback which concluded that which we already know: HE’S DEAD FOR CONSPIRACY, WE GET IT ALREADY. We meet Charlotte, our charming pint sized murderess, Jasper lives, Wells dies and then there was pee fog.

Episode four: Murphy’s Law

We open this episode solidifying the cold hard fact that yes, indeed, Wells is dead. This came as something of a shock to me because usually when YA throws a love triangle at you the characters normally live long enough for a few godawful sticky romantic scenes and the good ol’ ‘fight for her hand!’ bullshit but no, he’s dead as a dodo.

Charlotte, being the smart sneaky little sociopath she is, wisely refrains from comment and allows the camp to assume that the ‘Grounders’ got themselves another victim asides from Jasper.

This isn’t going to be a good episode for Blondie, let me warn you now. We spend a few moments remembering Wells and the awesome person he was and- PENCIL!

What were we doing? Oh yea – Blondie is having a lot of turmoil. Her BFF is dead, she’s stuck in the jungle with a group of criminal teenagers that are reenacting the whole dog eat dog metaphor AND her mother killed her father. What’s a girl to do? Why exact vengeance the only way she can; she takes off the bracelet, letting her mother assume she’s dead.

At least it’s going to good use; Engineering kid thinks he can get into contact with the mother ship through Blondie’s bracelet by nightfall. If they aren’t all dead by then.

The camp is hard at work erecting a barricade against the ‘Grounders’ that haven’t had a cameo since that second episode and whose role in this plot still remains unclear. Jasper and the newly reformed Octavia are having a Moment (damn, that girl goes through the boys fast, doesn’t she) trying to coax Jasper out into the open, if he would just stop clinging to the trees long enough.

Surely the fresh air and beautiful scenery will banish the terrors that lurk in his heart – whoops, nope! Jasper haplessly trips over a root and falls face first into the remains of Wells fingers that were hacked off the night before when Charlotte got her Psycho scene on.

Charlotte left the knife that she used to cut his throat open which bears the initials J.M. – the very name of Bellamy’s Hyena who is currently harassing the workers.

What to do, what to do? Confront the campers and scream for vengeance or let the campers believe the Grounders are out to get them and unify under fear? Tough call, both have their merits but Blondie has Turmoil so she chooses the messier route and goes after the Hyena like a piranha on a blood smeared crippled cow.

Back in Space, Raven and Doctor Mama are continuing with the Intrigue as Raven works on fixing a ship and Mama Doctor goes, ‘Nope, nothing strange going on here, nothing at all!’ with the Council who I assume are still all for mass murdering people to conserve oxygen. Better get that ship fixed fast.

Earth Below the justice system of a bunch of criminal kiddies is about exactly what you would expect; lots of screaming, kicking, blood and a brawl that would put Jerry Springer to shame. Hyena is in deep shit now, everybody thinks he killed Wells because he tried to knife him in a previous episode AND he threatened to kill Jasper so it isn’t looking good for him.

Aaaaand – riot.

Hoooo boy, they’re going to string him up like a piñata if someone (Bellamy!) doesn’t step forward and try to be the voice of reason. Bellamy is up, he’s been the unvoiced leader since the first episode, he knows they won’t survive with a system of anarchy in place – aaaand NOPE. He kicks the crate out from under Hyena and down he goes.

You would think that it would snap his neck but no, he’s left to throttle slowly while the camper monkey’s scream around him, hungry for blood (or at least asphyxiation). Rock on, Bellamy, rock on with your bad self blaming your shitty leadering skills on Blondie.

Finn is horrified and shock! Even Charlotte is disgusted by the behavior of the campers and screams, “IT WAS ME, I KILLED WELLS!”

Blondie cuts down the Hyena and apparently nobody questions the fact that a sixty pound little girl can kill a (mostly) fully grown man because the poo-throwing monkeys go from ‘KILL HIM!!’ to “GET THE GIRL!!’ in a New York second.

Time to run.

Blondie and Finn grab the mini-murderer and head for the hills, or rather, the thickly treed forest while Bellamy goes, ‘Derp, I was just giving the people what they wanted’

Hyena is on the rampage and he has TORCHES if not pitchforks.

Blondie still has Turmoil because she really liked Charlotte but Wells was her BFF and WTF, why is Finn defending the child murderer? It still creeps the hell out of me that this little child had no qualms slitting a man’s throat while simultaneously hacking off body parts.

Well, it disturbs Blondie as well, at any rate.

Finn’s wandering in the woods came to some fruition; he’s found an underground bunker for them to hide in while the mob above them wears themselves out. (Seriously, where did they get torches?)

Back in Space, the ship is ready to launch except for one last part; a pressure regulator. More intrigue, time is running out and it isn’t looking so good for Doctor Mama.

Earth Below we have a cliffhanger, literally; Charlotte did the runner on Blondie and Finn while they slept and went looking for the mob to …atone for her sins? Get herself killed? Well anyway, they find her, Bellamy finds her and Blondie and Finn find her all at the edge of a convenient cliff. You can see what’s coming right?

The rage of the Hyena is enough to apparently murder a small child and he isn’t backing off, or listening to reason. Everybody is arguing and angry and Charlotte never wanted any of this! So she jumps.

I should seriously start keeping track of the death count in this series.

Bellamy is very upset that his mini murderer protégé did a Thelma and Louise and proceeds to beat the ever loving shit out of the Hyena. Blondie’s voice of reason prevails and they banish him which is basically the same thing as killing him because how the hell is he going to survive out there (considering how many broken bones he may have)? Hyena’s bro-buddie’s are all ‘Nope, OUT’ and everybody goes home and takes their torches with them.

Engineer kid has finally got the bracelet to a point where he thinks they communicate with the mother ship and…aaaaand nope. Instead he shorts out the remaining bracelets ‘killing’ everybody and allowing the fuckwit senseless plot to continue as Back in Space they assume they’re all dead so there’s no point in going down because there is simply no other explanation for the bracelets shorting out other than radiation.

Well, everybody is dead so let’s do what anybody would do: HAVE SEX.

Engineer kid approves.

Back in Space, time has run out for Doctor Mama and Raven because the Council is COMING. Doctor Mama throws herself on that grenade to buy Raven time to get the ship started and yup, you guessed it, it’s another Teen Prevails while Adults Die moment as we end the episode with Doctor Mama facing the ironic fate of that of her late floated husband and Raven rockets down to earth.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The 100 Episode Three Review

Previously on Dazed and Harpooned:

The world ended, we went to space and now the fate of humanity is in the hands of teenagers. We learn that our intrepid explorers are not alone in the jungles of Virginia, Jasper is still (sort of) alive, Blondie is concerned and Wells just wants to be loved.

Episode 3: Earth Kills

Alternatively called The Episode in Which Everybody Screams A Lot. Alternatively, alternatively called The Episode Where the Plot Jumps Around Like a Crack Filled Ferret or WTF Did I Just Watch?

We begin this episode with a heart-warming flashback to good times™ when Wells and Blondie were BFFs, the daddy was still alive and everybody is watching 147 year footage of football. Not a lot to do on a spaceship, I guess.

Daddy Blondie announces it’s time to be intriguin’ because he’s found an irreversible problem with the life support and well, they’re all gonna die.

Flash forward to Now and Earth Below the camp is filled with the moans (and screams) of a previously harpooned Jasper who’s taking his time dying. This disturbs the delicate flowers of the camp who scream like a crusty fish wife to shut the fuck up and die already. Kids.

More screams! This time coming from the forest outside the campfire. A young girl thrashes against horrible nightmares and Blondie goes to investigate. Why, it’s Charlotte – our official youngin’ of the group of youngins’ who can’t be more than twelve years old. She’s adorable, she’s scared, Blondie comforts her the best she can.

So apparently the space station has a quaint custom of ‘floating’ people who disturb the status quo and Charlotte’s parents were among those. Blondie can relate; she recently saw her own father shunted into the cold embrace of zero oxygen space.

Seeing how fearsome and deadly a twelve year old girl is the good folks of the space station sent her along to Earth with the other 100 criminal teens. And being the little ray of light she is Blondie tries to bring levity to the conversation with,

“Being on the ground is our second chance!”

At what? Dying horribly from dysentery or being eaten by some freak animal? I don’t know about you but I don’t feel comforted.

Bonding is over, it’s time for some more screaming. Unbeknownst to the camp Random Teens have snuck away to trek through the forest in the name of Banal Romance. Guided by the stars they search for not food, shelter or a way to Mount Weather (which seems to be completely forgotten) but a…jump ship. What the everloving fuck….a jump ship?! What, how, WHY?! There’s another ship? How did it get there? How did they know about it? How do they plan on flying it and where are they planning on going? All questions that will never be answered because one moment the starry sky is reflected in their dewy romantic eyes and the next they are caught in a sudden deadly onslaught of…FOG!!

Pee yellow fog that burns! It burns! And now they are no more and we bring our focus back to Jasper who is still screaming. After three days. Damn, if that kid has the energy to scream for three days I don’t think he’s going to die.

Oh, hey! The henchman is still alive! I see, tying him to a tree (what IS it with this series and tying people to trees?) was a ‘punishment’ for making out with Octavia. Cool bro, like totes keep your mitts off my sister or I’ll cut you. Got it. Bellamy lays down the law and he and henchmen are cool. Octavia is not cool with all the strong-arming and decision making taken away from her and let’s Bellamy know it. Harridan! You will live barren and alone because your brother is a douche bag!

Back to the still screaming Jasper we learn what happens When Teens Medicate and it isn’t pretty. Or logical. There is a random comment thrown in that the wound had also been cauterized and Blondie needs to do it again? Or she needs to strip away infected flesh with a white hot knife because the script writers have been watching too many medical dramas? None of this sounds like something a real medical emergency would actually entail.

Bellamy pops up and says he’s tired of the noise that Jasper is making and gives an ultimatum; if he isn’t better by tomorrow he’ll kill him to put him out of his misery.

Is this the end of Jasper!?

Well you’ll have to wait because it’s time for another flashback. Not much new here, it’s pretty much been summarized by previous episodes; Daddy Blondie wants to tell everybody that they’re going to die, Doctor Mama disagrees saying it will end in riots and chaos, Blondie overhears the argument and-

Back on Earth we have a surprising 360 personality turn as Octavia blows off Bellamy in order to stay and help Jasper while Bellamy and the hyena’s go off to hunt. Blondie notices that the poultice the ‘Grounders’ used to save Jasper is made out of…seaweed. You know what that means, right? Time to hunt for seaweed. In the middle of Virginia. In a tropical zone.

So the Love Triangle takes to the woods, and how on earth does Blondie’s hair stay so Panteen Pro-V perfect? It’s just so soft and wavy and wonderful for being stuck in the wilderness without showers or shampoo.

Wells and Blondie have turmoil, Pot Head finds a conveniently buried car (which, against all odds, is perfectly intact after being buried for a century in the dirt) which comes in handy when the Pee Fog rolls in and traps the Love Triangle underground in the car.

In other parts of the woods we have a tender bonding moment between Bellamy and Charlotte, who has followed the group out to hunt and taken shelter against the Pee Fog.

Papa Bellamy, like the excellent role model that he is, hands Charlotte a razor blade and tells her in order to stop the nightmares she has to slay her demons when she’s awake and tells her to repeat after him,

“Screw you, I’m not afraid!” and*snort* “Fear is weakness, fear is death”

Ah, Papa Bellamy giving horrible life decision advice and raising the next generation of homicidal sociopaths. Surely there will be no consequences to telling young children to kill things that upset them.

The Love Triangle stews underground in the car, Blondie is angry, Wells is pouty and Pot Head just wants everybody to get along. Add century old alcohol to the mix and you get a teary AND angry Blondie who tells Wells to go die.

In our next flashback we get closer to the death of Blondie’s father who is arrested before he can broadcast the message of doom. The fog clears and we get to the more confusing mess of the plot of episode three. The miracle seaweed has been found, Pot Head is trying to patch things up between Blondie and Wells but hark!

There comes a(nother) scream from the forest! Charlotte stands over the previous episodes henchmen who has been caught in the fog and looks like a cheese grater has been applied vigorously to his skin.

Bellamy and Blondie shoo everybody back to the camp while they take care of the poor bastard who is laying there gurgling, ‘kiiillll meeeee….’ Even Blondie recognizes there is no hope for him. Bellamy, for all his bravado, is frozen as he stares at his previous henchmen gurgling on the ground. Charlotte, before leaving, hands the knife to him and in a creeperific dull tone of voice says, ‘don’t be afraid’

OF WHAT ?! Killing a man stone cold? Cutting someone’s throat? God damn, that kid is really starting to freak me out.

Well, he ain’t getting any deader so Blondie takes the knife, sings a sweet lullaby and gently slides the knife into the henchmen’s neck. This is officially the part where I started muttering WTF every thirty seconds.

I like how the realism of killing someone is just sort of glossed over; the poor creature doesn’t move, there is no blood (which, what? I’m assuming she was going after the carotid artery in which wouldn’t there be a mighty spray of blood? Or at least A LOT OF BLOOD? And is killing someone really so easy?) no screaming (ha, for once) just this gentle slide into sweet oblivion. With Charlotte creeping in the background watching with openmouthed awe.

Oh Lordy.

Back at camp we seem to have a Bizarro world reversal going on; Octavia is compassionate and invested in keeping Jasper alive, Bellamy is subdued by the death of his henchman, seaweed saves the patient and we have our final flashback.

So obviously someone spilled the beans about the plot to let everybody know they are about to die a horrible, horrible death and we assume it’s Wells who watches with a stony expression as Daddy Blondie tearfully says goodbye to wife and child and is shunted out the airlock. Dude. ‘Floated’. The true story of how Clark’s dad really died which was already explained in previous episodes.

We wrap up the episode with a number of brain jarring plot twists. Blondie and Wells have it out one more time as he buries the recent dead but SHOCK! It wasn’t Wells who spilled the beans about the plot. Are you ready for this? DOCTOR MAMA LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG.

We have a tearful reconciliation as Blondie verbally realizes the truth behind her father’s death and Wells stoically replies it was a friends duty to let her hate him and treat him like shit while she believed he was responsible. Yay, reconciled BFFs bonding over corpses.

So all is well within the camp as Wells takes up watch in the deep of night. Oh, and there’s Charlotte who tags along behind everybody like a stray cat. God, she’s so cute and tiny and inoffensive. She sits down next to Wells and they converse and-

OH GOD SHE STABS HIM IN THE NECK!!

IN THE MOTHERFUCKING NECK, THIS TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL JUST STABBED WELLS IN THE NECK!!

Then proceeds to parrot the lullaby Blondie sung earlier in a super creepy imitation as she moans, ‘Sorry! Sorry!’

Charlotte logic is as follows: in order to stop terrible nightmares about parents death one must kill the demons that torment you ---> the Evil Overlord is the one who caused her parents death and her exile ----> Evil Overlord is not present at said time but look! ----> the Evil Overlord’s son IS! And he looks like Evil Overlord! ----> let’s stab Wells in the neck and watch him gasp and gurgle as he dies drowning in his own blood! Good going, Bellamy.

Well, that took an abrupt turn into horrorville. Tune in next time for Children of the Corn meets dystopian YA.