Three generations ago the world ended, we shot-putted our asses on up to a space station to ride out the nuclear fallout (with apparently absolutely NO PLANNING WHATSOEVER) and now 100 teens are sent to earth to…I’m not sure what they were supposed to do but they fucked it up the moment they hit atmosphere. People died, idiots fought each other, Blondie takes charge, whole lot of intrigue be happenin’ up in space, there is supposedly supplies at Mount Weather but whats-his-face gets harpooned with a spear and is looking rather dead.
Episode Two: Earth Skills
We start this episode off with a bracing dash through the jungle/forest. Our stalwart adventurers are understandably freaked out as Expendable Number One was last seen more or less deceased and they don’t want to end up the same.
Except, whoops! Crap, Blondie nearly face dives after stumbling over- what could it be!? A bone yard, apparently, with interestingly mutated remains of what I’m going to assume was a human being.
“We are so screwed.” says Bitch™ who finally utters something that doesn’t make me want to smack her with a stick.
Wait! What was that!? Screaming from the distance! SHOCK! Expendable Number One HAS A NAME!! Oh, and he’s still kicking and the bug eyed look of deceased surprise was apparently to ward off predators and any suspicions of a decently written plot.
Back in Space, the Council sort of forgot to mention that they shipped off 100 children to fail spectacularly on the earth below them. Whoops. The natives are getting suspicious but it gets even better! Life support is failing because apparently nobody had any Boy Scout training and didn’t plan ahead for nuclear fallout and sustained survival in space. Double oops. So the solution they found was to ship a bunch of angry teenagers with NO supervision, NO survival training, NO supplies or decent communication setup except for that one crappy one way system that got burned up in atmosphere. Because nobody thought that re-entry into earth would potentially damage anything.
Also, the whole wrist band/vital system thing? The everloving fuck, how stupid is this? I hate that for the entire episode NOBODY thinks ‘gee, maybe they’re not dying in droves but TAKING OFF THE FUCKING WRISTBAND’ because TEENAGERS!! Kind of rebellious and not liking the wrist monitor. Survival; you’re doing it wrong.
Okay, okay, back to the story.
Evil Overlord is suddenly unhappy with his son being sent to earth and his supposed death.
“No, we sent them there to live!” is the impassioned cry when. WTF, if you wanted them to survive maybe you should have sent some guards with them, or some food, or technology or used some fucking common sense and realized that you were potentially sending them to their deaths.
Also, if your ENTIRE CHANCES OF SURVIVAL rested on communicating with the prisoners WHY DIDN’T YOU SEND BACK UP!!?? Or MULTIPLE ways of communication, and I have to stop this line of thought because I’m giving myself an aneurism by trying to figure out this storyline and I assume there are many more episodes to come.
So Wells is the only person at camp who has any conscious or decency because he’s the one burying the two idiots who died in the previous episode. Bellamy is digging his new warlord role and is swimming in make out sessions because this is YA. Plus, please tell me the idiots playing tonsil hockey all over the camp realize that giving birth in a jungle with no medicine or fully trained medical staff is a BAD IDEA? We can but hope.
Oh God, the drum playing, this is the jungle baby!
Bellamy’s little hyena’s are causing all kinds of trouble. This douchcanoe is holding one poor girl over a fire because, derp, it’ll make the folks above think that they’re encountering stressful things and…what does that accomplish exactly? Who knows but there is yet another fight.
Watch out, children! Mama Blondie is back and she’s pissed at your pointless violence. It takes them a while to realize that the Mount Weather expedition group is short one member. We get more moronic lines such as,
“We can take care of ourselves!” clearly they’ve thought this through even though I’ve yet to see evidence of shelter or food or water.
Bellamy’s gearing up for a revolt. From the ground. By taking off the wrist bands and effectively killing off the only people who carry the knowledge of civilization. Or something.
I’m starting to really dig Blondie in this series; she’s not only the only person with any common sense or ability to survive she’s kicking ass and taking names. Clark gets right into Bellamy’s face and challenges him which goes over well, you can imagine. I wonder how long that little toy of his will last in the jungle. You only get so many shots after all before your gun is useless.
Hey! Expendable Number Two has a name as well AND he has knowledge! So there is ONE PERSON in the entire camp that has any engineering skills so he gets to work on communicating with the space station.
So now it’s Blondie, Wells, Bellamy and one his hyena’s to hasten to Jasper’s rescue (expendable number one, remember he has a name!) That’ll go over well with no pointless fighting AT ALL.
Octavia is making fast friends at the camp with lines like,
“You’re too hot to be my brothers bitch.” and “You can’t control me!”
And causing a general ruckus because she’s invested in the Problem Child role and God PLEASE something eat her already.
Team Rescue is making their way back towards the river where they last heard the screams of Jasper when Bellamy puts his friend making skills to use by baiting Wells with the tragedy of the Love Triangle. Finn made a last minute turnabout and joined the group and while he and Blondie are walking together Bellamy needles Wells about how she’ll never choose him.
They find a trail of blood near the water which is confusing because Jasper was harpooned some distance away so what are his goggles and blood doing there? A convenient trail!? Suppertime for cannibals?? They dash after the trail of blood.
Back in Space Doctor Mama teams up with the stations youngest teenage mechanic, Raven, who figures out Something Is Up. Again, we see the Adults Are Fucking Useless trope in YA fiction as its Raven who figures out that the kids are taking off the wrist monitors.
“Why would they do something so reckless!?” God, someone shoot whoever wrote these lines.
Earth Below, we have more pointless romance. Apparently, Bitch™ has given up on Finn because she’s making out with her brother’s henchman. That’ll end well.
Bellamy continues to be Evil Shoulder Angel. “You’re invisible, lols!”
Oh look, its Jasper tied up in a tree. Nothing suspicious there. I guess from the weird goat-like sound emitted from his throat he’s still alive and Blondie leaps into action only to nearly fall into a pit of spears.
Back in Space the Council is deciding whether or not to go full genocide on the people aboard the space station or whether to wait to see if the Idiots Below are still alive. Evil Overlord sabotages the meeting in favor of Doctor Mama and her message of hope. She has ten days to prove that they are alive.
Earth Below Blondie and friends are trying to get Jasper down and figure out the point of harpooning him, dragging him all over creation, putting poultice over the wound to save his life and then stringing him up as bait for the others. They are as about confused as I am towards what the hell is going on with this plot.
Uh oh, mutant kitty cats! AW SNAP! How did Wells get the gun! You rock, Wells but you’ve also used up all the ammunition. Just in time, as Bellamy almost gets eaten by a giant mutant panther(?).
Can I also say that the CG in this show is hilarious?
Yay for Raven/Doctor Mama alliance! They are going to take that ship and get themselves down to earth! I’m wondering now how many ships do they have? Because if they just shipped off the teens in the only working ship, um, how the hell is everybody aboard the spaceship supposed to get down there?
Meanwhile, Earth Below the Forbidden Romance continues between Octavia and the henchman to predictable results; Bellamy, in a glorious show of double standards, strings up the henchman to die for touching his sister. Jasper still lives, Blondie is still concerned, in general, more teens are prying off the bracelets to saccharine and sad musical overtures, Bellamy punches the Engineering kid because SCIENCE – what’s it good for?
And from the deep and dark and deep jungle there spies a single masked face! Waiting, hovering, watching but you’ll have to wait till the next episode to find out who it is.